Go On
by Fayth3
Summary: Rose has some issues after Girl in the fireplace she goes to one person who can understand.
1. Chapter 1

**Go on.**

He turned to them both, dredging up a smile from somewhere and turning it on full wattage.

"So 25th century, check. Where to now, gang? Gang?" He wrinkled his nose. "Posse? Clique . . . gotta think of a better collective title." He grinned.

Mickey clapped his hands together excitedly. "Well—"

"A-actually," Rose cut in uncertainly. "I know we've just bin and all but I forgot something back on Earth."

"Aww!" Mickey whined. "I've just left there, Rose."

"Well," Rose tucked one blonde strand of hair behind her ear and licked her lower lip. "The Doctor invited you along so you could drop me off and take him to see, oh I don't know Raxacoricofallapatorius or something."

The Doctor frowned at her. "Are you okay?"

Rose nodded, not quite convincingly. "Yeah, course."

But she wasn't. Not really.

Actually not anywhere in the vicinity of okay.

It had been a crappy week, all told. First they land in a mad caper which brings back one of the doctor's old companions who looks at him like he hung the moon. Not that Rose could fault her, and even feels pretty bad for Sarah Jane.

But even worse because she can see herself in the woman. Left behind by the doctor and still waiting after 30 years.

And he'd said that he wouldn't do that. Not to her.

And yet, barely 24 hours later he'd walked away—well, rode away into a another dimension to another woman with no way of knowing if he'd ever come back and, most damningly, not even seeming to care.

The fact that he'd just left her and Mickey on some space ship 5000 years from home was nothing.

He'd left her, after he'd promised not to and now he was all sunshine and smiles and hey ho where to next?

Madam de Pompadour was beautiful and accomplished and whatever else Rose wasn't but that didn't mean that she was better than Rose. But he'd wanted to take her with them, another companion, along with Mickey and Rose and he'd never even bothered to ask if that was okay with her.

Knowing she was dead left a bitter taste in Rose's mouth because she wasn't sure that, if Reinette had lived, if she'd have replaced Rose.

The Doctor regarded Rose and knew that she was hiding something, she wouldn't meet his eyes and the smile was missing from her expression.

Maybe she was annoyed with him because he'd agreed to allow Mickey to join them on their adventure.

He was beginning to wish that he hadn't. Mickey was all right but he did miss having Rose all to himself.

Not as much as he missed that gorgeous grin though. Maybe if they took Mickey the idiot back to Earth he'd want to stay. It was worth a shot.

"Okay then, Earth-bound it is. We can pick up what you forgot, grab some chips and be off to the third moon from Vendor before you can spit. Although I'd appreciate it if you didn't," he looked pointedly at Mickey, "the TARDIS is hard to hoover and I fired the cleaner sometime in the 12th century."

"Yeah, shows!" Mickey sassed and the Doctor pointed a finger at him,

"Oy!"

"Yeah," Rose faced Mickey with a mock frown. "Don't diss the ship, Mickey boy or you can get out and walk."

"You wouldn't do that to me," he replied confidently.

"Wanna bet?" the Doctor asked with a smirk and Mickey paused, suddenly not that confident.

"She's a good girl, ain't cha?" Rose said as she patted the TARDIS and then froze her hand on the glowing green and gold 'engine'.

Did she really just feel it hum?

God, she really had been with him too long.

The Doctor laughed and grinned, expecting Rose to join in the fun but nothing.

"Right-o, home we go," he said after a small silence. He grabbed hold of some levers and pressed a button, pumping the bellows and twiddling dials.

"How'd you learn to drive the ship?" Mickey wanted to know. "Seems like just banging about to me."

"Oh she knows what I want," he patted the ship and with a whir they were off.

They landed down on the street corner about six blocks away from Rose's old school and a further ten minutes from her home.

"Couldn't you have parked a bit nearer?" Mickey grumbled as he shoved his hands in his pockets and leaned against the door of the TARDIS.

"Are you just going to complain?" the Doctor asked with a sigh as he tucked his own hands in his pockets and watched as Rose grabbed her mobile. "You gonna be long, Rose?"

She paused at the door and bit her lip.

The Doctor just stared; she only did that when she was nervous.

"I might be. Not sure."

"Well, if Jackie asks, we're not available for tea," he said with a firm look on his face.

Rose would usually roll her eyes at his not-too-subtle reminder that he didn't like her mother. But she just nodded and left.

Something sank in his stomach and he darted after her.

"Rose?" he called and she stopped steps away from the blue box.

"Yeah?" She swallowed and he stared at her intently.

"Are you sure you're okay? You'd tell me if something was wrong, wouldn't you?"

"Yeah," she shifted uneasily and a lock of hair tumbled over her cheek. "Course I would."

He lifted a hand to her but let it fall before it could brush away the piece of hair that fell into her eyes. "Take as long as you need, I'll wait." He gave her a heart-stopping, melting grin. One that she had once thought he'd saved for just her.

Once.

_Bet ya would_, came the uncharitable thought and she nodded once before turning away and leaving, the Doctor staring after her with a bitter taste in his mouth.

He went back into the TARDIS and looked at Mickey curiously. "Did something happen between you and Rose on that ship?"

Mickey was busy poking and prodding at the TARDIS and didn't answer.

The Doctor pushed away a bout of jealousy and strolled up to the central control panel. "Mickey? Has Rose said anything to you?"

"Bout what?" Mickey frowned.

The Doctor rolled his eyes. "The sun, the moon, what's got her looking like a monkey stole her last banana? Anything?"

Mickey shrugged. "Dunno, know how girls are, maybe she just wanted to talk to 'er mum. I think I 'eard 'er talking on the phone. Maybe there's something up with Jackie."

The Doctor pulled a face. The last thing he wanted to do was get in Jackie's way. She was still all grateful for saving her from 'Death by Christmas tree'.

"Well, let's give Rose time with her mom. Lord knows it's rather her than me. Soooo, what say Mickey we go and you can show me what stupid apes do for fun around here?"

"Okay!" Mickey beamed before his brain caught up with the insult. "Oy!"

Rose felt like she had walked for ages before she finally arrived at her destination.

She stared at the black door, looking imposing and unwelcoming. Her throat was as dry as anything and she wasn't even sure how she was going to be received here. All she knew was that she wanted someone to talk to about . . . things and her mum would be no good.

She needed someone who wouldn't judge or yell or be afraid and who would understand.

She knocked twice and fought the urge to play "knock a door run" and just get out of there and back to the TARDIS, ignoring everything and pretending it was all okay.

But she'd hate herself and she couldn't allow that. She just needed someone to talk to.

Someone who—

The door opened and she managed a smile.

"Rose?"

She licked her lips. "H'lo Sarah-Jane."

The older woman stared at her for a long minute and Rose shifted from foot to foot.

Then Sarah-Jane smiled and stepped back. "Sorry. Come in, I didn't expect to see you so soon."

"Me neither," Rose agreed sadly and walked into the living room. It was a beautiful place but tasteful, elegant and just a bit barren. Like a way station for someone who never expected to be home very often.

"Tea?" Sarah-Jane offered and Rose nodded.

She turned to walk into the kitchen but spun back just as quick.

"Just tell me, he's not . . ." She couldn't bring herself to say the words and Rose shook her head.

"No, he's fine, a-actually. It's me." Despite her best efforts tears welled up in her eyes.

Sarah-Jane didn't think twice and opened up her arms for Rose to fall into, sobbing.

"Oh, god. He left me! He just walked away and left me. It hurts, it hurts so much!"

Tears streamed down her face as she shuddered and shook into Sarah-Jane's arms.

"I know," she soothed, kissing Rose's hair. "I know."

"It doesn't matter that he came back, it doesn't. He said he wouldn't leave and he did."

Sarah-Jane pulled her over to the sofa and stroked her head. "Oh, Rose."

Rose swiped tars from her face. "You know the worst thing? He didn't even notice. He didn't—he didn't even seem to _care_!"

Sarah-Jane sat back. "Tell me."

The Doctor followed Mickey back to his flat and sighed heavily as Mickey gave him a brief tour. Brief meaning- "Here's the kitchen, here's the lounge, mind the dirt."

The Doctor dropped onto Mickey's sofa and slouched down.

"Tea?" Mickey offered.

"What from your kitchen?" he scoffed. "I may be an alien but even we have standards. Liable to get some horrid human disease like septicaemia or Hepatitis, ring worm," he shuddered. "No thanks. So, Mickey, this is where you live?"

"Yeah," he said, somewhat defensively. "I mean I do a lot of work from home."

"Unemployed?" the Doctor asked sympathetically.

"Nah, computer work," Mickey grinned. "Fair hand with a keyboard and hard drive now. I design web sites, freelance and all. Its how I found out about you."

"Now that does interest me. Learning all about me. Nothing more important in the universe, course I could be biased." He sat forward and pinned Mickey with a look. "Show me."

Mickey led the way into his room and shoved aside a pile of laundry that the Doctor didn't want to look to closely at.

Mickey booted up his computer and dragged his keyboard out from under the desk.

"Rose tidied up my dust sheets," he explained. "Can't find 'em."

The Doctor nodded and shifted his shoulders trying to look nonchalant. "She stay here often then, did she?"

"Did before you came along," Mickey said resentfully. "Jackie didn't like it much, but when she had her men over at all hours, Rose came over and we'd watch TV and hang out. Sometimes we'd go down the pub."

"You know how to show a girl a good time."

Mickey stood up and faced him. "Just cuz I don't have a fancy ship to show her don't mean we didn't have some good times. If I coulda jetted her off to the far parts of the universe I would! She deserves more than this life."

The Doctor swallowed, suddenly feeling mean. "Right."

"You showed her that," Mickey sighed. "I never could. She'd always call me a plonker and say she was just the same as me. She isn't."

"No, she isn't." The Doctor looked away and his eyes fell on a picture of Rose—_his _Rose—sitting with Mickey in some park, her arms wrapped around him and that smile on her face; the one he called the 'hills are alive' smile.

It was the one she usually reserved for him, only . . . not so much in the past few days. His hand reached out and touched the smiling girl and his hearts leaped. She was so very beautiful, so very alive.

_Mine_. He wanted to say, but she wasn't. Not really.

He sighed. "So, show me your computer skills then."

Mickey looked from him to the photo and back. "Do you love 'er?"

The Doctor clenched his jaw and gave Mickey a look, once that clearly read "back off".

For once, Mickey obeyed. He wasn't sure he really wanted to know.

"So he comes back all sad and just . . . says he's fine. He looks like his heart's broken . . . one of 'em at least and that's it. The next second he's all smiles and 'where to next?'."

Sarah-Jane pushed Rose's mug of tea into her hands and sat back with her own.

Rose had been telling her what had happened on the ship and Sarah-Jane felt her own heart hurt along with Rose's. It had been hard when she'd seen Rose and the Doctor together even though it had been many years. It must have been hell for Rose to watch him with someone else so close to feeling jealousy over him and Sarah-Jane herself.

"She was so beautiful," Rose sniffed. "Reinette—even her name sounds perfect and he thought so too. I could tell. 'The most accomplished woman in the world'. I don't even have any A' levels." She looked up with pained eyes to Sarah-Jane. "I'm kidding myself, aren't I? He has his pick from space and time and I'm off the Powell Estate. Can't compare."

"Rose, no!" Sarah-Jane took her hands. "This isn't about you or how good you are. He saw something in you when he picked you up. You are special. I see it too. You're strong and smart and hey, maybe you don't have A' levels but that doesn't make you stupid. You saved his life, in more ways than one. I saw the way he looked at you."

"Then why did he leave me there? Didn't even look to see if I was okay, just grabbed that stupid horse and didn't look back."

"But he did come back," Sarah-Jane pointed out gently.

"He was gonna bring her," Rose swiped at her eyes with her sleeve. "He was just too late. She'd have come with us. Her and me and Mickey. Entourage. Just another one in the crowd."

Sarah-Jane sighed heavily and looked up at the sky, it was growing dark. "I think if we look at things from his perspective. Time Lords live almost forever and we don't. He feels a need to surround himself with as many people as possible to stop himself feeling so lonely. I know he had companions before me, maybe he loved them and they died, or left him. He keeps on handing out his hearts and they get broken time and again as people die. It's hard on him too. Maybe he thinks if he has enough people to spread the feelings out on it won't hurt as much when they go—there'll be others. Everything dies or ends and he has to go on. Alone. You'll die one day, Rose. Do you want him to be alone forever?"

Rose shook her head. "No. But I want to be more than someone who passes the time. While I'm here, I guess I want to be the only."

"That's very human."

Rose smiled. "Does that kind of thinking help you?"

"It doesn't hurt," Sarah-Jane said softly and laughed. "I think it's time for dinner. Want to stay?"

Rose looked out at the falling dark and just nodded. "Yeah, that'd be great."

The Doctor stared out of the window, almost impressed with Mickey's computer skills. They had surfed the internet and the Doctor had laughed with glee over some of the conspiracy-nut sites, typing in some of his own mad-cap theories and watching them flock to his post.

"Oh you humans are such fun to mess with," he laughed. "Its getting dark, Rose is probably back at the TARDIS by now. Coming?"

"Sure," Mickey grabbed his coat, not seeing the wince that came from the Doctor as he did so.

Right, so Mickey was coming back with them. Great.

Rose munched on the chips in front of her and smiled at Sarah-Jane. "Thanks, ya know, for listening. Didn't really have anyone else I could speak to about this stuff. My mum doesn't really like the Doctor very much, although she did make an effort at Christmas for us. They managed to have a Turkey dinner without killing each other- which was a major achievement."

Rose looked up oddly as Sarah-Jane dropped her fork.

"What?"

"He's met your mother?"

"Yeah, and my dad—well, he took me back in time. My dad's dead. Died when I was a kid. Why?"

"When I was a companion it was strictly no domesticity. I wasn't even allowed a boyfriend. He must have loosened up."

"Hardly, you could bounce quarters off him sometimes," Rose laughed out loud. "But he's a soft touch. I can usually get my own way."

"He must care for you a great deal, then," Sarah-Jane prodded. "He never did anything like that for me."

"I guess," Rose looked down. "I prefer his old . . . body? What do you call that?"

"Regeneration cycle."

"Did you ever see it happen?"

"Yes. Did you?"

"Yeah, happened right in front of me. Dead freaky it was too. Scared the hell outta me. Thing is, the old him, the him I knew first . . . he loved me, I knew it. He never even had to say, I just knew, yeah? This one, I don't know. He doesn't show it and I think, you know, what if he changed his mind. What if he doesn't care as much and I still do and he's gonna up and leave me. How can I go back to an ordinary life after all I've seen?" She looked up and suddenly realised who she'd been talking to. "Sorry."

Sarah-Jane smiled. "I know what you mean, for the longest time I waited for him, I knew that my Doctor cared for me. It wasn't anything like what you have . . . had with your Doctor, but I did care for him. He was my life. But if there's one thing I have learned is that life didn't end when he left. It was boring for a while and painful, but it goes on."

Rose's lower lip trembled. "I don't want it to."

They sat in companionable silence for a moment and then Sarah-Jane sat forward. "Tell me about his regeneration."

"Honey I'm home!" the Doctor called out but the TARDIS was dark and empty. "Rose? ROSE? Huh." He turned back to Mickey. "Not here."

"Her chips'll get cold," the boy pointed out. "Probably still talking with Jackie."

"I'll give her a ring then," he said and walked over to the TARDIS phone.

"You know," Mickey hedged. "If you want to win brownie points with Rose, might be best to go talk to Jackie."

"Ah no!" the Doctor replied, the very thought making him shudder. "Me and Jackie are like two things that should be kept apart as often as possible. Did I tell you she hit me, mean right hook that woman."

"Tell me about it!" Mickey empathised. "When she thought I'd done something to Rose she went after me. Nothing is as scary as Jackie Tyler when she's mad."

"So does she hit all Rose's . . .?"

"Rose's what?" Mickey asked pointedly as the Doctor trailed off, clearing his throat.

Rose's friends? Rose's fellas? Rose's loves? None of those were particularly indicative of his relationship with her and yet, none of them were incorrect either.

He was her friend but that's not all he was. He wasn't her boyfriend but he knew her in ways that Mickey never could. He was her fella but not in the way that mattered and as for love?

All he knew was that he suddenly wanted to see her and if that meant walking over to the dreaded dragon's den then that's what he would do.

"All right, we should go see her, then. Get Rose back quicker and all then we can get off."

"Fine," Mickey said. "But I'm eating her chips."

"You humans and your odd fascination with the potato," the Doctor sighed. "Now give me a banana any old day."

Mickey moaned all the way to Jackie's flat and the Doctor let him, partly because he was too concerned to care what Mickey the idiot was twittering on about, but partly because Mickey the idiot was actually quite funny. Not that he meant to be, of course, he just was.

They arrived at the flat and the Doctor took a second to brace himself for the onslaught of Jackie Tyler. She really was far more frightening than many of the things that he had seen in his many travels and he was worried that, with the way Rose had been acting, that Jackie would be angry with him.

Something was wrong with Rose and no matter what it was; he had a feeling that Jackie would blame him and be none too thrilled to have him show up at her door.

Therefore it was something of a surprise when Jackie opened the door with a smile on her face; less of a surprise when that smile faded, however, upon seeing him.

"Hello, Jackie," he forced a grin. "Can't stay, love to chat but we really have to be going, is Rose ready?"

"What'dya mean is she ready?" Jackie demanded, her hand defiantly placed on her velvet pink track suit. "I thought she was off with you!"

An incredulous look crossed the Doctor's face. "You mean she's not here?"

"No! I haven't seen her since she swanned off with you and himself."

"Standing right here!" Mickey muttered.

"Where's Rose? What have you done with her?" Jackie asked shrilly.

The Doctor stepped back. "She said she'd forgotten something, we thought she'd come here."

"Well, have you rung her?" Jackie opened the door and let them come in as she headed for her ever present mobile phone. She pressed a few buttons and waited, rolling her eyes at the Doctor and Mickey who had crowded into the room.

The phone rang.

Rose grabbed for her jacket as her phone started to trill in her pocket. She'd been listening to Sarah-Jane's tale of meeting the Loch Ness Monster, something that she'd been fascinated to hear about.

They had both jumped at the mad tune coming from her pocket and smiled at each other. Rose merely checked the caller I.D. and switched it off.

Off Sarah-Jane's looks she explained. "It's just my mum, I'll call her back tomorrow. She probably wants to tell me about her new fella or something."

She turned the phone off totally and turned back to Sarah-Jane. "So, carry on, then."

Jackie stared at the phone in disbelief. "She didn't answer."

"Rose always answers her phone!" Mickey said, his voice rising in pitch. "Except when she's in danger."

"Or she's ignoring you," the Doctor added, remembering more than one occasion when Rose had seen Mickey's caller I.D. on her phone and switched it off.

"Well, she better not be in danger," Jackie said menacingly. "I left her in your care Doctor."

He nodded, his mind already racing away. Where would she be? "If I were a hormonally charged adolescent female with a travelling mindset and an idiot for a boyfriend, where would I go?"

He readied himself to go rushing off to look for her, action- movement, anything to keep him from going crazy. Where was she?

"Shireen's? I'll do a ring around." Jackie offered and the Doctor sighed.

This was why he didn't do domestic.

She wasn't at Shireen's, nor at Nathan's, nor Andy's. She hadn't dropped by to see her Gran or gone to see Scott and Jimmy. She wasn't with Jess or Amy and she hadn't been to see Mark in an age.

"She knows all these blokes," the Doctor said to Mickey, somewhat jealously, "and she sticks with you?"

"Yeah, I kinda wondered that too," Jackie truthfully added and Mickey pouted. "Not that you aren't sweet, Mickey, but Darren is gorgeous and I know Andy's fancied her for ages."

"Has he?" Mickey sat up.

The Doctor rolled his eyes. "Can we focus on where she might be please?"

"Probably gone off and got herself attacked. She's so used to running into trouble with you!" Jackie accused. "I bet my sweet little girl has run into thugs or mugger's. There are worse things lurking around London than monsters and aliens ya know!"

_I know¸ _he thought,_ I'm facing one._

"Pity you can't trace her," Mickey huffed, put out at the thought of someone else with Rose and the Doctor froze.

"Trace her! Of course, Mickey you're a genius!"

"I am?" Mickey beamed.

"Well, no, but you're not as thick as I thought!" the Doctor allowed and Mickey's face fell. "We need to get back to the TARDIS!"

"I'll stay here in case she comes back. Let me know when you find her," Jackie said, walking them to the door. "Tell 'er to give me a call."

The Doctor didn't bother answering and simply rushed away, his coat flowing behind him like a cape.

Mickey was sick and tired of running across London and back again and was only doing it because it was Rose. Had it been anyone else he would have gone back inside with Jackie and watched Coronation Street. But, somehow, racing across planets with people chasing them seemed to be part and parcel of travelling with the Doctor. He'd just have to get fitter.

They reached the TARDIS and the Doctor had the door pulled open before Mickey reached it.

He was rifling through an odd compartment of the control panel, throwing things randomly over his shoulder.

"What are ya doing?" Mickey asked breathlessly, clinging to his knees as his stomach wanted to bring his chips back up.

"Jack made some kind of tracing device for all of us; it was how we knew Rose was still alive on Satellite 5. I put it away because we always travel together now, but I know it's around here somewhere."

"Rose tidy up?"

There was a queer little lift to the Doctor's mouth as he answered. "Yep."

"Huh, you'll never find it, then," Mickey scoffed, thinking of the times that Rose had tidied his place, only for him to lose things that he had needed or found things that he had never seen before.

The Doctor didn't seem to mind though and rifled through drawers and cupboards, muttering to himself as he did so. "Aha!"

"Find it?" Mickey asked, sitting up.

"Well, no, but I did wonder where this went!" the Doctor said, holding up some odd gizmo with wires sticking out of the top. "Useful gadget this is."

"What's it do?"

"No idea," the Doctor threw it over his shoulder. "Picked it up in a sale outside Aigrettel one. Lovely planet, shame about the water."

"Why?"

"It's green."

Mickey thought about that. "So?"

"So?" the Doctor paused briefly. "So's their urine."

"Oh," Mickey's nose wrinkled. "Urgh."

"Got it!" the Doctor pulled the transmitter out of the drawer. "Excellent. Let's go!"

As the night drew on Rose stared out of the window. "I guess I should be heading back. Mickey'll probably be getting all sorts of gyp off him and he'll probably be mad I made him wait this long."

"Or be worried?" Sarah-Jane offered lightly. "He may look different Rose, but he's still the same man. Regeneration changes the face but not the essence."

Rose just looked at her. "It's hard to look at him sometimes; he doesn't have the same face as my Doctor."

Sarah-Jane clasped her shoulder. "You've got my mobile number, any time it gets hard, please give me a ring. I'm here because I understand."

Rose nodded, a sad smile playing around her lips. "Thanks."

She opened the door and stepped out, pulling her denim jacket around her tighter as the chilly London air swept over her shoulders.

Sarah-Jane waited.

"What do I do?" Rose asked suddenly, her voice low as she looked out into the evening sky. "When he leaves me, what do I do?"

Sarah-Jane smiled sadly and brushed her hands against the doorframe. "You go on. It's all we can do. We . . . just go on."

Rose nodded and pulled away from the house into the darkness.

The trace machine was particularly sensitive, which would have been great except that Rose had lived in this area for almost 19 years and old traces of her still lingered in the air.

They had reached at least three dead ends, one being the newly built Henrik's store which had been Rose's place of employment for years.

Mickey was out of breath and regretting ever eating anything ever and the Doctor was getting more and more nervous and worried about his companion.

She had a habit of wandering off and getting herself into trouble that bordered on obsessive and he had always been able to find her in the nick of time. But the third moon on Obtris was a far cry from the mean streets of London and, although she could defend herself against the mud-beasts of Frawl, how would she fare against a London rapist?

His two hearts almost gagged him as they tried to crawl into his throat.

He would not take her halfway across the universe, only to lose her here on this puny little rock.

"Come_ on,_ Mickey!" he yelled, pumping his feet faster and faster as he followed the red blip on the metal screen in his hands, leaving the gasping boy behind. He was going to find her. He was, and it wouldn't be too late.

He wasn't going to let her go.

They rounded a corner and the Doctor looked up to see a figure walking slowly towards them, familiar denim jacket pulled tightly around her.

He skidded to a halt, peering intently into the gloom. "Rose?"

Blonde hair swung as her head snapped up and a rush of relief that was so swift an hard it almost crippled him filled his body. He rushed forward and grabbed the startled girl.

"You're all right! We've been frantic!" he pulled her into his embrace. "What's the good of having a phone if you don't bleeding answer it?"

Rose smiled tremulously, feeling his warm body imprinting all along hers. "I'm all right, didn't mean you to worry."

He pulled away and looked deep into her eyes, searching.

The way he looked at her made her feel like the only girl in the world, made her feel adored, revered, precious, loved.

But Rose pushed the feeling away, tucked it into a dark place in her heart and slammed the door.

_Put it away Rose. It'll never happen._

She allowed a grin to break over her face. "You're as bad as my mum."

"Oy!" he laughed, glad to see the smile back on her face, even if it wasn't as bright as it once had been. There was something missing in those eyes; some sort of pain that she was hiding.

Hiding from him.

His eyebrows slowly rose and an odd expression crossed his face, but before he could say anything Mickey, with impeccable timing, came around the corner.

"What did you do?" Rose laughed. "Drag him all around London?"

"Just about," Mickey gasped, grabbing at his knees. "You weren't at your mums and we did a ring around, you were nowhere."

"Prat," she said affectionately, not telling him where she had been. She looked over her shoulder to where the Doctor was staring at her oddly and grinned.

"Come on then, I believe you promised to show us the universe."

"Yes, yes I did!" the Doctor recovered and reached to take her hand, not noticing the slight wince in her eyes. "Well, come on then, Mickey. You'll need to be fitter than that to join our gang . . . _really_ need to have a better title."

Mickey sighed and tuned to limp back to the TARDIS and Rose just shook her head. He needed to get fitter than that if he wanted to be chased all over the galaxy.

She started to walk away, only to have the Doctor grab at her arm and turn her to face him, a concerned look on his face.

"You're really okay?" He said intently

Rose nodded, feigning levity. "Yep!"

"And you'd tell me if you weren't?" he persisted, digging for something. Something that Rose couldn't give.

Wouldn't give.

"Course I would." She took a deep breath, looked him in the eye and shattered her own heart. "That's what mates are for."


	2. Chapter 2

It was the voice that eventually drew him to the rear of the TARDIS. He had expected Rose to be long asleep and had decided to wander around to lull himself to sleep. Not that he needed much of it.

He walked down one long corridor and was met with an odd feeling of needing to go back. The TARDIS often did this to discourage people from going where they weren't wanted, but that had never stopped the Doctor and he forged ahead, far more curious now.

He paused as he heard the voice coming from a room he'd never seen and he peered inside.

It was a large round room with one leather chair set to one side with a wooden table next to it. There was no other furniture and the walls shone a soft gold, like the central control panel.

It was soothing and warm, like Christmas Eve in front of a fire..

Sitting in the leather chair in her pyjamas, wrapped in a deep red blanket and nursing a cup of hot chocolate, was Rose.

She was laughing, her head thrown back and blonde hair hanging by her face.

He loved the sweet happy look on her face and felt a pang as he realised he hadn't really seen it of late. But who was she laughing with?

Mickey was fast asleep, the Doctor could hear him snoring from down the corridor and it was impossible for them to have a stow-away. Maybe she was ringing her mum?

He peered around.

There was no one else in the room and she wasn't on her phone. He frowned as she started talking again.

"So then Jack was all "We gotta run, gotta Gorratokka Tuntail on our tail." Course then we was laughing so hard we couldn't run! And the monster just, like, stood there, totally confused that we weren't running. Tell ya, never seen the Doctor laugh so hard!"

The Doctor in the doorway grinned at the memory. He'd been in his other body when the Gorratokka Tuntail, the fiercest beast on Hubrides, had been chasing them. It may have been fierce but it was the most ridiculous beast and managed to capture prey when they stared at it in amazement or fear. It had captivated them until Rose had questioned why it looked so much like a St. Bernard retriever with a bad case of the runs.

Then none of them could stop laughing. It was a good memory, had been a good day. He leaned against the door and smiled at her about to open his mouth and speak when she started again.

"Then the Doc hit it with the tree limb and we headed right back to ya, me bringing up the rear. You shoulda seen it!"

His mouth dropped- was she talking to the TARDIS?

It was no secret to any of the companions that the TARDIS was telepathic and often felt what he did, offered suggestions and felt easy about dipping into his companion's heads at any given point.

But none of them seemed to view it as anything other than a marvellous ship.

Trust Rose to want to make friends. Could she even make friends with it? He started to ask her if she'd had any response when her next words stopped him dead.

"I had the best view," she waggled her eyebrows and stuck her tongue between her teeth and he froze.

This was interesting, blackmail or at least teasing material to be had here. He waited.

"Captain Jack has a nice bum and my Doctor looked pretty fine when running. It was all in the coat," she giggled and the Doctor smirked in the doorway as she sipped her chocolate. "My Doctor had the best legs, saw 'em when we visited one of the outer planets and remind me to tell you about the danger of taking the Doctor scuba diving. Your Doctor has the better arse though, he's also very cute and I love his hair that punk slash rockabilly thing he's got going on."

The Doctor blushed at this revelation, his hand creeping up to touch his brown locks, but there was something that wasn't sitting quite right. _My_ Doctor, _Your_ Doctor?

"Both got quite good dress sense, that's rare with men who aren't gay. Although there was that thing with Captain Jack," she bit her lip and frowned. "Never mind, 'ey? Mmm."

She drained the last of her drink and placed it on the side before snuggling under the cover again.

"Do you miss him? I do," she said softly after a moment. "Loads. Dunno how long he was with you but even knowing him a year, two years, whatever, I really miss 'im. You are taking care of him wherever he is, yeah?"

She reached out and laid a hand on the wall next to her and smiled as a soft hum echoed in the room. "Thanks. I haven't forgotten him, my Doctor."

She was silent for a long moment and it was all he could do to stay quiet as her words echoed in his head.

"I'm tired," she said finally and stood up, stretching. She leaned over to pat the walls again. "Night TARDIS, see you again tomorrow, same time—provided we aren't running for our lives again."

The Doctor edged back into the safety of the hall and darted around a corner, out of sight.

Rose staggered out of the room, pulling her red blanket behind her like Christopher Robin.

He waited until she disappeared into her own room before he slumped against the wall.

What was that all about?


	3. Chapter 3

Go On 3

The Doctor sat in the kitchen nursing a cup of coffee when Rose wandered in the next morning

"'allo," she greeted with a smile and a yawn.

"Morning," he replied, watching her carefully. "Sleep well?"

"Yeah, a bit. I was thinking maybe we should take Mickey into the past and show him around a bit. I think he'd enjoy medieval times, you know, with all the jousting."

"Yep, no problem."

Rose looked at him, he wasn't smiling and his voice was more than a bit odd. He looked like he had the night they'd left that space ship and Reinette.

Her stomach knotted but she pushed the feeling away and stared at him.

"You all right?"

He looked up at her, seeing the concern in her eyes. He'd been up all night thinking about the words she'd said to the TARDIS and he still couldn't quite wrap his head around it.

She'd been fine with him since his regeneration; they'd had a blast on New Earth and back in Victorian England. They'd watched the sunset on Balto and danced to Ian Drury in concert (the second time around).

They'd watched dinosaurs and an alien prom; they'd tracked monsters and been chased over at least six different planets. She'd met Shakespeare and watched the sun being born.

They played golf on the moon and poked anemones on Saturn, even went fishing on Jupiter's fourth moon.

Then of course she'd met Sarah-Jane and they'd picked up Mickey, gone to the space station and back to Earth where she'd wandered off for hours. He still had no idea where she'd been.

Only she'd come back sadder and somehow older.

And he didn't know why.

To him Rose Tyler had always been an open book; he was able to read her no problem.

She wore her heart on her sleeve and you knew when she was happy she was smiling and when she was sad then she was moping and when she was mad it was best to get out of the way.

Now she smiled but it didn't reach her eyes. She plastered over her moping and took deep breaths rather than lose her temper.

What had made her change so much in the past few weeks and why hadn't he noticed it sooner?

It took hearing her call him the TARDIS's Doctor instead of her own to make him realise that something was wrong.

But what it was and how to fix it— he had no idea.

"Doctor?" Rose tried again. "Are you all right?"

"Yes, yes, sorry, mind a mile away—wouldn't that be fun to see? Your mind a mile away. I think there was a planet that had people whose brains they kept in jars at home, they even had little legs. It was fun to say "your imagination's run away with you" because they'd run home to check!"

Rose laughed like she was supposed to, but the look she gave him let him know that she knew he was being less than forthcoming.

He sighed. He was going to have to ask her straight out what was wrong, wasn't he?

He opened his mouth but before he could say a word Mickey sauntered in.

"Morning all!" he beamed.

"Oh god," Rose muttered. "I forgot you're a morning person."

"What's not to love, darlin'?" Mickey chirped, making at least one person in the vicinity want to kill him. "The early bird catches the worm."

"If I wanted a worm I woulda stayed with Jimmy Stones," Rose shot back.

"Uh, who?" the Doctor replied bemused.

Rose rolled her eyes. "Old boyfriend."

"First love," Mickey corrected. "Ended up in juvie for—"

"Oy!" Rose elbowed him sharply. "Can it, will ya? It's too early for reminiscing at any rate."

They shared an uneasy look and the Doctor felt an unexpected pang. He was feeling left out.

Mickey and Rose obviously knew a story that he, himself, didn't. Mickey knew something about Rose that she hadn't shared with him.

That wasn't on.

"No, tell me more." He folded his arms over his chest and grinned. "Who was Rose's first love?"

"My first love," Rose said with a glare at Mickey, "was a shiny red bike when I was twelve. I loved that thing."

"I remember!" Mickey laughed. "Trying to get a ride off it was like asking Jackie for a loan."

They laughed and the Doctor's face fell.

"Right. So, Mickey Mick-Mick, fancy a joust?"

Mickey froze. "Is that some kinda space chat up line?"

Rose doubled over laughing even as the Doctor rubbed his face with one hand, shaking his head.

"Lord, spare me human beings! I meant literally, Mickey, medieval times, court of King Arthur and knights of the round table—my idea incidentally."

Mickey's eyes lit up. "Really?"

Rose rolled her eyes again. "Thinks he's so impressive."

"I am so impressive!" he echoed old words and Rose's face fell slightly.

"You wish," she ended, almost reluctantly.

"You not amused then?" the Doctor added desperately and Rose's grin came back full force.

"'ere you still owe me a tenner!"

"I'll buy lunch, how's about that?"

"Mead and pork scratchings?" Rose shook her head. "Still not much of a date."

Mickey looked from one to the other. "What's that then?"

"Oh, we met Queen Victoria," the Doctor said off-handedly, glad to be the one telling and not hearing.

"I got knighted," Rose paused, "or Dame-d. Dame Rose Tyler, how cool is that?"

"Sir Doctor," the Doctor replied. "Kind regards of her Majesty, Queen Fido."

Rose giggled. "Fenric."

"Rover?"

"Rex!" They erupted in laughter and Mickey, once again, stared at them.

"What? I don't get it."

The Doctor edged forward and draped an arm over Rose's shoulder. "Let's get the TARDIS set and you can fill Mickey in on his Royal ruler."

He dragged her along to the control room and started messing about with the dials.

"I never was much for jousting," the Doctor mused, "although I did enjoy the whole bard atmosphere."

Rose leaned against the TARDIS and folded her arms over her chest. "Now see, I woulda thought you the action man type rather than sitting around listening to stories. Seems, I dunno, tame for you."

He wasn't sure whether to be insulted. "Hey, I'll have you know I listened to some of the greats, Shakespeare, Homer, Keats, Byron was a freak though and Freud? Talk about issues! But I can do intellectual as well as the next man."

Rose turned to Mickey who had just walked in. "Mickey, when I say 'Homer' you think what?"

"Simpson," Mickey replied and the Doctor looked away.

"Okay, so maybe not the _next_ man."

Rose grinned.

That was more like it, thought the Doctor as he saw the brightness her smile brought to her face. He twisted a dial and flicked a switch.

Mickey moved closer and peered over his shoulder. It was off-putting to have someone stare at you like that.

"They didn't have one of them on Star trek," Mickey muttered.

The Doctor clenched his jaw. "No, that's because this is the TARDIS not the Enterprise."

"Does it have, like, a teleportation device?"

"No."

"Guns?"

"No."

"Thrusters?"

"No."

Mickey paused. "So what does it have?"

The Doctor glared at him. "This is the dematerialisation control, and that over there is the horizontal hold. Up there is the scanner, those are the doors, that is a chair with a squashed peanut butter sarnie on it … please stop eating in here! Now shut up and let me concentrate." He picked up a hammer.

"Oy!" Rose called. "She needs TLC, not banging three bells out of. Flipping blokes all the same; if it doesn't work, bang it with a hammer. She needs the gentle touch, don't ya girl?"

Rose leaned over and flipped another switch, twiddling a dial as she did so. The TARDIS hummed as the newly pointed out dematerialisation control glowed blue and throbbed.

Rose beamed proudly at the two gaping men. "See?"

"How did you know how to do that?" the Doctor asked incredulously.

"I've watched you long enough," Rose said. "You think I wasn't paying attention? Even a stupid ape can learn."

He felt a wave of shame over that term, something that he never should have said to her. He started to apologise but her next words floored him even though they were spoken quietly.

"Besides, she told me."

"What?"

Rose tucked a strand of hair behind her ear and shrugged one shoulder. "She told me."

"When?" His mouth barely moved but his eyes spoke volumes.

Rose chose to run her fingers over the central control column and ignored him.

"Rose?" he insisted. "When?"

"Does it matter?" she snapped. "She just did and good job too. Least now I won't kill us all by accident." Her words caught in her throat and came out far more choked than she would have liked.

The Doctor gave her a pained look.

"Is there something I should know?" Mickey said looking between the two of them.

"Nah," Rose dredged up a grin. "So, Mickey, medieval England. Better get you kitted up, wardrobe is this way … hang on," she turned to the Doctor, "Uh, did they have black people in medieval England?"

The Doctor paused. "Ah."

"You've got to be kidding me."

The Doctor looked up as Mickey entered the control room and his face split into a huge grin. "Mickey the … village idiot!"

Mickey huffed and tried to fold his arms over his chest, stopped by the thick padded vest and black waistcoat. His legs clad in black tights and heavy leather boots, complete with flat cap and feather.

The Doctor bit his lip to keep back the laugh bubbling forth.

"Hey, how comes you look so normal?" Mickey complained.

The Doctor brushed his hands down his long white tunic and stared down at his tan tight trousers tucked into black boots. "Oh, I like to blend in, now tell me honestly … does my bum look big in this?"

He spun around and the tunic fluttered around him.

"No, but you'll make yourself dizzy."

The Doctor turned to Rose and felt the world spin. Her hair was done up in a delicate style leaving tendrils curling around her face and the blonde was set off by the deep forest green off-shoulder dress.

She looked like every Celtic princess come to life.

Neither the Doctor nor Mickey could stop staring, making Rose blush. "Oy, come one, it's not that bad!"

"Wow," Mickey breathed and the Doctor, for once, agreed.

"You look beautiful," he breathed.

"Considering I'm human," she amended, her hands smoothing down the bodice nervously.

"No."

She stilled and looked at him, feeling uncomfortable as his eyes bore into her.

"You look amazing."

Rose beamed, biting her lip.

The Doctor cleared his throat and held out his elbow. "Shall we, My Lady?"

Rose gave a fair approximation of a curtsey and rested her hand on the crook of his arm.

He told himself that the over sensitiveness in his arm was all in his imagination.

Later that night Rose curled up in her chair in what she called the mind room.

It was a place she had found shortly after the Doctor's regeneration. She'd wanted to find some way of thanking the TARDIS for not crashing and killing them both and to apologise for breaking into her.

The TARDIS had led her to the round room and with nothing better to do Rose had started to talk, and talk and talk.

The TARDIS seemed to love these 'girl' sessions, turning the walls different colours and humming different frequencies to answer questions and, occasionally, Rose even heard her in her head.

It wasn't something that she wanted to share with the Doctor though, knowing his propensity to worry and make mountains out of mole hills. The man could make an art out of the concerned face.

She leaned back in her chair and inhaled, smelling the sweet scent of the hot chocolate that the TARDIS insisted that she drink at each of these sessions. She smiled at the opposite wall as she continued telling her about the day she'd just had.

"Where was I?" she yawned. "Oh yeah, the jousting. Wicked, it was like Heath Ledger in the flesh, all those knights and armour, Mickey seemed to really get into it. The Doctor was a bit off, but that's nothing new." She sighed, and bit at her fingernails.

Sometimes she felt like she talking to herself and it was a little disconcerting, but it did help her to organize her thoughts.

She had needed that, especially after the new Doctor arrived. To hear him tell her that he was the same man had been hard and she'd really tried to see him as the same man. It had even worked after a while. But there was always something reminding her that he was different; the fact that he liked milky tea now; the way he winked instead of waggled his eyebrows when he was flirting with her; the way he took any excuse to hug her.

_The way he swanned off with any French tart when it took his fancy_.

Rose shook her head. It was doing her no good to keep harping on about Reinette.

It was done, it was over and she should get over it.

It wasn't like she and the Doctor had ever been anything anyway.

Not really.

The TARDIS hummed and Rose smiled.

"Sorry, girl. Anyway, he got weirder when one of the knights came over asked me for a favour. I thought he wanted me to get him a drink or something, but the Doctor said that in those days a favour was like a hankie or something that the Lady tied onto a Knight's lance to show that she liked him best. He was fit!" She thought some more. "But like I said, the Doctor got weird when I pulled my scrunchie out and handed it over. If he'd been anyone else I would have said he was jealous. But that doesn't make sense … not this Doctor."

No not this Doctor. He didn't feel like that about her and she should stop thinking of him like that.

She had to do as Sarah-Jane said and move on.

Rose bit her lip. "So, anyway, the knight won and came back saying I was his good luck charm. He invited me to the after-joust party," she giggled, "you should have seen the look on the Doctor's face; like he'd smelt a Slitheen!"

She shifted to get comfortable. "It was all fine until the Knight got a little frisky in the courtroom, then both the Doctor and Mickey barrelled in. But it turns out that he was some great court official, yeah, so the Doctor and Mickey are thrown into prison. He resonated the bars and escaped and we had to leg it back here … again."

Rose sighed. "For once it'd be nice not to have to say goodbye at high speed, but I guess that's one of the hazards of travelling with the Doctor. I should write a book."

The room was silent as she gathered her thoughts and the TARDIS made soft cooing sounds, asking her what was wrong. "That sonic screwdriver, resonating concrete, I got a huge sense of déjà vu."

The words burst out her, almost against her will. "Sometimes it's like nothing's wrong; nothing's different and he's still around. But it is different. I can still see the Doctor, _my_ Doctor standing there with that stupid grin, offering to show me his moves. Then your Doctor is there with his grin and he… I…"

No. She couldn't do this.

Stop it Rose. Stop going on and on and on. It's done! Leave it.

Move on.

"I … can't do this right now."

Rose got up, offering apologies to the TARDIS by stroking a wall as she left, not seeing the shadow of the Doctor standing in the corridor.


	4. Chapter 4

Go On 4

Were it not for his accidentally overhearing Rose's revelations, the Doctor never would have suspected that anything was wrong.

The next morning Rose was as bright and vivacious as usual, teasing him and Mickey about ridiculous things and laughing and joking without a care in the world.

Only his intense scrutiny noted that her eyes weren't as bright as before, circles hidden by make-up were etched into her features, and her smile was that much dimmer.

It was unnerving how easy it was for her to appear all right in front of him and he wondered if she had always been such a good liar and he'd just never known; and wasn't that a pleasant thought?

How many times had she lied to him? Just stood right there and lied to his face?

He'd never have known … or was this a recent thing? It was driving him mad and the one person he thought he could trust was the one person he seemed not to be able to.

She was sitting across the other side of the console staring into the air, not really aware of her surroundings or that he was looking at her so intently.

Mickey had discovered the TV room and the Doctor had a feeling that he would be there for some time.

Maybe this would be time to have a talk with the other person who knew Rose so well.

"Rose?"

"Hmm?" She hummed, attention elsewhere.

"Can you keep an eye on the screen for me?" he asked and she spun around to stare at him, eyes wide.

He had rarely ever asked her to pilot the TARDIS and never when he wasn't around… except…

"What, why?" She pinned him with a hard look and he frowned at the apparent mistrust in it.

Maybe he wouldn't have to go see Mickey after all, maybe now they could have all this out in the open. "Why, Rose, don't you trust me?"

"Course I do," she said quickly and he let out a breath he didn't realise he was holding at her instant reply. "It's just…"

"What?"

"The last time you made me do something in here alone you ran away and got yourself killed."

"Oh. Ooh!" He made a little 'o' with his mouth that Rose found adorable and he shoved his hands in his pockets. "Well, I won't be doing that again in a hurry. Regeneration is sort of a last resort. Like a get out of jail free card."

"'kay," Rose jumped off the seat and looked at the screen. "What am I looking for?"

"If anything goes mauve scream for me. If anything goes yellow call me and if anything goes pink come find me."

"What if it goes red?"

"Then its just humans being camp, ignore it." He shot her a flirty grin and she laughed. "Back in a jiff."

"Jiff?" Rose wrinkled her nose. "Isn't that a toilet cleaner?" she called after him.

As predicted Mickey was in the TV room, his hands eagerly flicking through the TARDIS' unparalleled DVD collection.

"You got Resident Evil 6; they made six?"

"Yup," the Doctor said. "Better than four, not as good as five, but still better than X-Men 3."

"I saw that," Mickey offered. "Wasn't that bad."

The Doctor rolled his eyes at Mickey's distinct lack of taste. "Listen, Mickey—"

"What you after?" Mickey interrupted, peering at him and the Doctor was taken aback.

"What makes you think I'm after anything?"

"Only that's the first time you got my name right."

"Right, I see," the Doctor nodded, probably best not to antagonise the little ape until after he got what he wanted. "Just wanted to check in, you know, make sure you are all okay with the running, not wanting to get a head implant or anything?"

"What?"

"Sudden urge to get surgery?"

"What?"

"Maybe phone home and alter the fabric of time?"

"What?"

"No? Great, what's wrong with Rose?"

Mickey blinked. "And I thought the other Doctor was mad, barking you are."

He took a deep breath. "I_ am_ the other Doctor."

"Right."

"I am," he insisted, wondering if Rose hadn't said something to Mickey about this. "What did Rose say to you about the regeneration process?"

"Nuffin much, just you went all glowy and morphed into a new face. Like a software upgrade, new package same code. Freaked her out at the time. But I reckon you look better than old big ears."

And that, he thought, was the marvel of regeneration summed up in a dozen words. "Right, she say anything else?"

"Like what?" Mickey was watching him suspiciously.

"Look, she's just been a bit off since we last visited Earth and I thought she might have said something to you about what it was, clearly a mistake as you have all the sensitivity of the primordial soup you crawled out of."

"You're being rude."

"I know!" The Doctor slumped. "I know," he said more calmly. "Sorry. I'm just—"

"Worried," Mickey sat down on the red sofa and nodded, "I get that and maybe you have some idea of what I went through when she went off with you, she always came back a bit different. Sometimes I look at her and it's like I don't know her any more at all, ya know? I mean me and Rose go way back and then she meets you … the other you and goes swanning off. She always looked so happy when she was with you and then that Captain Jack guy."

"Did it all change with the regeneration?"

"Nah," Mickey considered. "Well, a bit. She was pretty broken up that you were sick and that. Even cried on my shoulder a time or two."

_Rose cried_? He swallowed a painful lump in his throat. _Course she did. She'd just watched you change into someone else and then fall flat on your face._

"She seemed pretty happy again when you went off. Maybe she's still upset over that whole Sarah-Jane thing, or Madame de Pompom."

"Pompadour," he absently corrected. "Why was she upset?"

Mickey looked at him incredulously. "You are joking ain't cha?"

The Doctor was baffled and Mickey laughed derisively.

"Look, mate, if you need help from _me _on that then there's no hope for ya."

The Doctor gave him a blank look.

"In Earth terms, yeah? Rose is like your girlfriend—"

"But we—" the Doctor started, panicked, but Mickey held up a hand.

"I know. But you take her off and show her the stars and hold her hand and take her to dinner and that pretty much means you're boyfriend-ish."

The Doctor licked his lips and thought about that. "You know, Mickey the idiot, I've been alive for 900 years, I don't think I've ever been described as someone's boyfriend."

"Boyfriend-**_ish_**!" Mickey clarified quickly. "You're not her boyfriend. I was her boyfriend. You just have, like, qualities. Then you bring the ex-misses along and Rose suddenly realises that she isn't the only one. Culture shock. Then you swan off with the French one and Rose realises that she isn't ever the only one."

"What?" The Doctor realised that he sounded like Mickey and frowned at himself. "At the risk of sounding like you and abusing the English language, what do you mean 'isn't ever the only one?'"

"Well, it's like you said, ain't it? She's just latest in a long line. No girl likes to hear that."

The Doctor looked horrified. "I never said that."

Mickey shrugged. "Implied then, I heard ya outside the chip shop. I mean you're like 900, what's 19 to that? Well, 20 now."

"Just because I'm older doesn't mean that I'm old," the Doctor frowned, thinking on what Mickey had said. "Lots of life left in these old bones, you know. As for what I said…" he trailed off as he tried to think back to standing outside the chip shop. He'd thought he'd been pretty clear to Rose that she was more to him than just some companion. _Not you_ he'd said.

Surely she understood that she was more to him?

He'd given his life for her, changed his face for her. Didn't she know what that meant?

_No, of course she didn't, _mocked a voice in his head with an oddly familiar northern accent_, because we never **told** her did we? Just babbled on about dogs with no noses, which reminds me—we never did take her to Barcelona._

"Hold on." His ears caught up with his brain. "Did you say she's 20 now?"

"Yeah, it was her birthday a few weeks ago. Just before you came back to help with the school thing." Mickey scratched his head. "Didn't she say?"

The Doctor shook his head. "Maybe she forgot?"

"I text her to say happy birthday first thing, she text back." Mickey told him bluntly.

The Doctor grimaced. "So she didn't forget then?"

Mickey grinned and slung an arm over the Doctor's shoulder.

"What are you grinning at?" he snapped and Mickey's grin got bigger.

"At least I'm not the universe's worst boyfriend!" Mickey laughed. "First you forget her birthday, then you take her to meet the ex and then you chuck a French bird in her face. Least I ever did was take her to see a match for our anniversary. What kind of rubbish are you!"

The worst thing was that the Doctor had nothing to say in return.

Nothing repeatable by a human anyway.

Rose poked at the screen wondering exactly what those hexagonal images were. Maybe she'd have to ask the Doctor when he got back from wherever he'd gone. Or not.

The Doctor was always touchy about anything that had to do with his old life and would retreat into silence again. The TARDIS would probably tell her if she really wanted to know and it would save time and effort in navigating the emotional minefield that was the Doctor.

Honestly he had more mood swings that a boatload of pregnant mothers.

And she had noticed that in the last few days he had taken to staring at her out of the corner of his eye—no doubt comparing her to the beautiful and more than slightly dead Madame De Pompadour.

Rose immediately felt guilty for such a catty remark. The woman had died young, after all, after a life confined to court, and who was Rose to criticise her for falling in love with the Doctor.

She closed her eyes and let her fingertips drift over the TARDIS controls.

"S'me," she whispered, feeling better saying these things out loud. It was a little daunting to know that the TARDIS could hear what she said inside her head "What's the picture things?"

She smiled as she was 'told' the answer. "I guess counting that way makes as much sense as doing things the human way."

"Doing what the human way?"

Rose swore and spun around glaring at the Doctor for making her jump.

"It isn't nice to creep up on people! Gave me a heart attack and, unlike you, I only have the one."

The Doctor just eyed her. "Who were you talking to? The TARDIS? Does she answer you?"

Rose shrugged one shoulder. "Kind of." She didn't explain further and the Doctor just started at her.

"What?" she complained after several moments of feeling truly uncomfortable.

"Why didn't you tell me it was your birthday?"

"It's not," she replied, confused at his sombre face.

"It was and you never mentioned it." His face was impassive and he stuck his hands in his pockets. "You used to tell me all sorts of things, whether I was listening or not. Now you barely talk to me. Have I done something wrong, Rose?"

Rose bit the inside of her lip. "We spent my birthday running through swamps on Solaron Megnate, trying to escape being eaten; there really wasn't time to say 'hey, I'm older now by a whole day!'. It wasn't like I deliberately didn't tell ya, I just … forgot."

"I thought humans prided themselves on their traditions and rituals?"

His bland face and deadpan expression began to grate on her.

"And I thought maybe that was a little too domestic for you. What would you have done? Put up balloons? Wore a hat, downed shots, done karaoke?"

"Is that what you wanted?"

"Why are we even having this conversation?" Something occurred to her. "Did Mickey say something?"

"Is that what you wanted?" he repeated slowly, his eyes focussed entirely on her.

Rose stared at him for a long moment, trying to read what was going on in his eyes, but he was giving nothing away. The shield he usually placed up when he was upset about something was firmly in place and she could see nothing behind it. Sometimes that creeped her out; it was like looking into one of those two-way mirrors they had in police interrogation rooms, you knew that there was someone on the other side but when you looked into them all you could see was a slightly tainted reflection of yourself, looking puzzled and uncomfortable.

All she could see in the Doctor's face was an impassive mask mocking her. It had always managed to make her feel afraid and defensive at the same time—a bad combination which ignited her temper.

"Well go on then!" she snapped and he blinked, wrong-footed.

"What?"

"Whenever we get to this point it's usually the cue for you to either walk away or threaten to send me home. Is that what this birthday thing is, hey? Just an excuse to start a fight?"

The Doctor glared at her. "I wasn't starting a fight."

"Coulda fooled me, Doctor. So I didn't tell you about my birthday, I lose track of time in the TARDIS. I've missed two Christmases, a whole bunch of mate's birthdays and a Valentines Day. I've also missed at least three periods since travelling with you messes up my body clock." She folded her arms. "Anything else ya wanna know?"

"Now you mention it, I'd like to know why you never told me you could talk to the TARDIS, or why you never come to see me in the chamber or what exactly that yellow flashing light is!"

Rose spun as the console began to flash an alarming colour. The Doctor abandoned their argument and headed for the screen, scanning the read-outs.

"Time stream flux, not dangerous but we need to land pretty sharpish otherwise we might get knocked out of the Vortex. Emergency landing." He grabbed levers and pushed the pump, cranking the pulsing TARDIS harder. He looked up at her. "Hold on to something."

Rose grabbed the nearest rail and dug her nails in, her heart racing from the idea of a crash landing as much as the argument they had just started.

She hadn't realised that she had been so different, or that the Doctor had noticed that she had been slowly backing away from him, trying to preserve the remnants of her heart.

But he had noticed and seemed almost hurt by it. But surely he didn't really care?

After all he was the Doctor, a sort of intergalactic tour operator. He picked up companions and showed them the universe and dropped them back down when he was bored of them.

Immediately Rose felt a wash of guilt at the uncharitable thought.

It wasn't his fault that she was feeling more than a little off right now. Well, actually, it was but she wasn't going to tell him that.

His hands spun on the TARDIS dials and he flicked more switches, his eyes darting all over the place as he tried to stave off disaster.

If only everything were as easy to fix as the TARDIS, he thought as his eyes caught sight of Rose anchoring herself to one of the rails.

He braced himself and prepared to land.


	5. Chapter 5

Go On 5

To be perfectly honest, it was the fact that the Doctor had been so concerned about getting the needed parts for the downed TARDIS that he hadn't really bothered to check the planets credentials before allowing them all out. His mind was playing on the fact that the old girl was getting older and pretty soon would cease to function, no matter what additional pipes and mechanisms he put in. Strictly speaking TARDISes weren't meant to last even this long and who knew how many years it had been in service before he'd 'borrowed' it.

The idea that soon he'd lose her made him even more agitated and so he could almost be forgiven for not checking the sensors before they left the ailing machine. Of course, it would have been a far more useful use of his time than watching Rose tuck her arm in Mickey's as they left the TARDIS.

Had he taken the few seconds to check when and where they were, he would never have left the TARDIS, removing them from the warring moon as quickly as the Vortex would allow.

Coming onto Fellit'g Prime during one of its nastier revolutions was a supremely stupid idea, even by his standards.

Of course, he hadn't intended to land there, or walk into the market place with Mickey wearing red—one of the colours of the main rebellious factions—or ask for an implement that the suspicious, and ready to revolt, people had never heard of.

He also hadn't intended to lead the fleeing Mickey and Rose down a dead-end alley and get them caught by the militia, and it had never been his intention to accidentally reveal his superior alien technology and get separated from his two companions and taken to a different holding cell.

The Chief of Police scuttled around on his four tentacles and blinked his one dark eye at the Doctor in agitation, the gills on either side of his face opening and closing with a sucking sound as the mucus slid down his gelatinous face.

"Tell me who sent you," he rasped, his voice as thick and as slimy as the body which wobbled dangerously close to the Doctor's coat.

"Sent me?" The Doctor scratched an ear. "I wouldn't say 'sent', not exactly. I landed here, quite by accident. My companions," he gestured to the screen which showed Rose and Mickey sat in a small mud-caked cell, "they're assisting me on a research project and we were forced to make a detour. The boy didn't know red was a bad fashion decision, he doesn't really have the smarts. Between you and me," the Doctor leaned in conspiratorially, "I have no idea why I allowed him to come with us. But there you are. Now we aren't interested in your conflict, have no desire to overthrow governments of any kind and would be pleased to be on our merry way." He waited hopefully.

But the Chief of Police just snorted—a truly disgusting sound—and slapped one sludgy tentacle at the view screen where Mickey had started pacing. "You think we see not your rebel ties."

"Like I said," said the Doctor between gritted teeth, "Mickey is an idiot and didn't know that red was seditious."

"A story of unlikely proportions. All know this!"

"We're not from around here and we'd rather not stay."

"You have technology of greater worth than ours!"

The Doctor rolled his eyes. "Leicester City football club has better tech than yours, and can play a mean game of scrabble when forced. Although Gary Lineker always steals the crisps…"

"Enough of your chatter," interrupted the Chief, "aid us in our efforts or destroy your companions we will."

The Doctor folded his arms. "Then what? Hmm? Maybe a round of genocide?"

The Chief snarled and spat a globule of something the Doctor didn't want to identify through his feelers and onto the screen.

"We have found the box of blue."

The Doctor's hearts sank. They'd found the TARDIS? "I wouldn't touch her if I were you. She can get a little tetchy."

"Unable to open it. Give us the technology."

"Can't," the Doctor said unapologetically. "The old girl won't open to just anyone you know. Where is she?"

"In the lower hangers," the Chief snarled. "She opens for you?"

"Yup." The Doctor popped his 'p' gleefully.

"Your companions too, maybe."

The Doctor's grin faded but the Chief had already come to a decision.

He reached out to touch a button and a crackle of static burst into life.

"Persuade the yellow one to talk."

"No!" The Doctor leaped out of his chair and was restrained as a sucker-laden tentacle slapped him back with a wet slop.

He watched helplessly as two creatures slithered into the cell where Mickey and Rose were backed against the wall.

Rose lifted her head higher and stepped slightly in front of a scared Mickey and the Doctor felt a wave of pride and tenderness pass through him as she protected Mickey. It was instinctual and unconscious and just Rose through and through. Mickey wasn't a coward, not really; in fact the Doctor knew that when needed, Mickey could be relied on. But the way Mickey allowed Rose to step in front to defend and protect him showed that it was something that she had always done.

Rose Tyler: defender of all.

"What'd ya want?" she said defiantly, her voice sounding strong but tinny over the intercom.

One of the guards waved the sonic screwdriver in the air. "How does the contraption work?"

Rose shrugged nonchalantly. "How the hell should I know?"

"You are the companion, tell us."

"Companion, yeah?" Rose emphasised. "Helper. I fetch tea and make jokes. Don't handle the hardware."

The Doctor was impressed and proud of the way she stood up to them, until they turned nasty. "Tell us how to work it."

Rose bit her lip as they slithered closer and the Doctor could see the indecision in her eyes as she calculated the odds of her escaping and found them woefully inadequate. "Hand it over and I'll show you," she offered, pretending to sound scared.

"Negative! Negative!" they repeated shrilly. "Tell us!"

"I can't tell you," Rose protested emphatically. "It'd be hard for your… tentacle-y things. I'd have to show you."

"Tell us or we will attack your slave."

"Slave?" Rose glanced over her shoulder. "Mickey isn't a slave!"

"Y-yeah!" he replied shakily. "I'm no tin dog!"

"You are dominant," they maintained to Rose. "You protect the slave."

They edged closer to Mickey and Rose stepped in the way, protecting him. "You touch Mickey and I'll slap ya!"

There was a sound of annoyance at her defiance and one spat. "Educate the yellow one."

The guards jabbed a stick at Rose and a pulse of bright blue electricity flowed through it, ramming into Rose's body. The electric pulses covered her entire body, coating it with a blue glow. She tried to bite back a scream as her whole body vibrated with the shock of the attack, her head thrown back and face contorted with pain as electricity pulsated through her.

"Rose!" the Doctor and Mickey yelled at the same time. The guards stepped back, halting their attack.

She gasped and staggered, only just managing to stay upright. Rose steadied herself against the wall, her face a mask of pain, before pushing herself upright and glaring at the aliens with a sneer. "That all you got?"

The Doctor gave a choked laugh and turned to the Chief of Police. "You play a dangerous game." He snarled. "I was going to let you live. Now, no power on this planet will stop me from destroying you all."

The Chief laughed, a throaty, flem-filled laugh and his tentacles rose in scorn. "The yellow one is brave but not indestructible. Good conductor she is. How good?"

He turned to give the order to hurt Rose again and the Doctor grabbed at him. "Stop! I'll do it. I need the sonic screwdriver to get into the TARDIS… the blue box. I'll tell you how to use the sonic screwdriver. I'll help you, just leave her alone."

There was a nasty smirk about the features of the alien and he wobbled towards the door. "They will fetch your contraption. Be ready to use it."

The Doctor watched frustrated and angry as the Chief left the room and locked the door behind him. He had to find some way out of here and a way to find Rose and Mickey before the guards decided to up their 'negotiation' tactics.

There was only one window and it was a pretty long drop outside to the ground. The drainpipe was pretty sturdy thanks to the need to eradicate the mucus that the aliens secreted from their bodies and it was a possibility for escape, but he had to make sure that he could get to Rose and Mickey.

That reminded him. He turned towards the screen to make sure that the guards had left them alone. He watched the guards shut the door behind them as they shuffled out and Mickey reach for Rose.

"Rose, you okay?" he said quickly and she gave her best fake smile, evident even over the tiny screen.

"Fine. 'slike a electric shock. I've had worse off my hair dryer."

The Doctor smiled at his brave Rose and let his hand drift up to touch the screen where her face was shown in all its lively glory. His fingers stroked the image of her face and all he wanted was to have her there in the flesh so he could assure himself that she was all right.

"C'mon, then," she said suddenly to Mickey. "Let's not mess about, they've gone and we need to get out of here."

She scanned the cell obviously noting the lack of windows and other doors and the Doctor nodded approvingly as she assessed their situation and looked for exits and entrances and possible ways out.

"Shouldn't we just wait?" Mickey interrupted as she searched. "There's all them guards out there and we don't know where we are."

"Wait for what?" Rose queried still staring at the ceiling.

Mickey gave her an incredulous look, like she was being purposefully stupid. "The Doctor. He does all that hero rescue stuff doesn't he?"

Hero? The Doctor grinned. Oh, that was blackmail material for Mickey. Calling the Doctor a hero?

"Hmm," Rose ignored him, heading for the back of the cell. She kicked at the muddy walls and gave a small grin as a clump of mud broke off.

"Rose?" Mickey prompted. "The Doctor will come rescue us, won't he?"

"Of course I will," the Doctor muttered, somewhat pleased with Mickey's reliance.

"Not necessarily," Rose answered and the Doctor's world spun to a halt.

What?

Mickey frowned. "What?"

Rose picked up the clump of earth and threw it at the ceiling. The Doctor couldn't see what happened but she gave another satisfied grin and turned back to the wall.

"Rose?" Mickey was tired of being ignored. "What'd'ya mean by that?"

"Sometimes, Mickey," she said exasperatedly, "you gotta rescue yourself. The Doctor was taken somewhere else; odds are that he needs rescuing himself. The last thing he needs is to be thinking about us. What kind of companions hang around and wait to be rescued without even trying something." She gave him a short smile, gone even before it registered. "This isn't Star Trek, ya know, no matter what red shirt you're wearing."

Mickey laughed at that. "Right. But he will come get us, won't he?"

Rose said nothing and used her nails to gouge out a chunk of wall about knee height.

"When he can and that." Mickey continued. "He's like the designated driver." Mickey stepped forwards, pushing harder. "He won't leave us. Right. Right, Rose? Rose? **_Rose_**?"

"I'm sorry," Rose suddenly snapped, looking over her shoulder. "Were you not there on the space station? Cuz I'm pretty sure that the bloke who freaked out looked a lot like you. _"He's left us, Rose", "How's he gonna get back?_"" Rose mocked him. "Sound familiar, Mick? We are not number one on his priority list and so we get ourselves out. Okay?"

"Fine!" Mickey yelled back, looking slightly sick and Rose's face fell as if she regretted her hasty words.

She stood up and touched his arm. "I'm sorry, Mickey. I'm worried about him, okay? And I think that bolt did a bit more damage than I thought. I'm still shaky."

"You okay?" Mickey was immediately contrite and she gave him her very best Rose Tyler smile.

"Got you, ain't I?"

"Yeah?"

"So, let's save the Doctor. Help me with this will ya?" She leaned forward and started speaking to him but the Doctor had tuned her out. He staggered back as if she'd slapped him.

Metaphorically, she had.

Rose didn't believe that he would rescue her. She didn't think that she was his number one priority. Once upon a time she had stood there and allowed him to aim a bomb right at her, certain in the knowledge that what he did was for the best.

What had gone so wrong for them that she didn't think he would come for her; that he would leave without her?

"_Were you not there on the space station?"_

Oh—to coin a human phrase—shit.

He had. He'd left her and Mickey on the space station. But that was weeks ago. Surely she would have said something by now if that was what had been upsetting her. But she hadn't said a thing. It wasn't like Rose to leave something that truly bothered her, so there must be something else.

There must be.

And all this conjecture was doing nothing but wasting time. He had to get out of here, find his screwdriver, find the missing TARDIS piece, rescue his companions and then try to fix his relationship with Rose.

In that order, but by no means in order of importance.

He knew his priorities.

He headed for the drainpipe.


	6. Chapter 6

Go on 6

Down in the basement Rose had carved hand-holds into the soft wall and dug her toes into the lower holes. She hoisted herself off the floor, clinging to the mud walls.

"You look like you're abseiling," Mickey remarked, not sure what she was doing. "Climbing the walls is meant to be one of them things… metaphors, yeah. Not literal."

Rose looked over her shoulder at him in surprise. "'ark at you. Sound dead clever, you do."

Mickey smiled and shuffled his feet at the teasing in her voice. "Seriously though, what are you doing?"

"Guards at the doors, no exit out back, no way down. Where else is there?"

Mickey followed her gaze. "Oh, you're kidding."

Rose dug her toes harder into the little niche as she reached the ceiling tiles. Using her shoulder as a battering ram she banged at the slats covering the ceiling and grinned in triumph as they shifted slightly. Mickey moved to secure her feet and Rose was able to use all her strength to push at the thin slats. One rocked in its place and she slammed it again and again, ignoring the pain in her wrist as she smacked it against the hard material. The slat swung and slammed back in place but Rose had seen that it was only held on in one place.

Gritting her teeth Rose curled her hand into a fist and punched at the weak point. She heard her knuckles crack and had to bite back a yell of pain as she punched it again and something in her hand snapped.

But that time had done the trick and the slat could be moved. She used her other hand to hoist it out of its place and shuffle it along so that there was a hole in the ceiling.

She grabbed both edges and pulled herself into the ceiling cavity, swinging her body up and in with all the grace of a junior Jericho school gymnastics champion. Once inside she held her hands out for Mickey to follow her up.

With a cheeky smile Mickey followed her up into the crawlspace.

There was only enough room for them to creep on hands and knees and Rose positioned the slat back in place before they turned and crawled along, dodging cables and wires as they went.

"Where'd'ya think we'll come out?" Mickey whispered, taking care to put his knees on the support struts and not on the flimsier tiles.

"No idea," Rose replied. "But I'm getting weird pictures of huge rotating fans and ventilation drops."

"Good thing neither of us is wearing a string vest," Mickey laughed, remembering a mammoth Die Hard festival one night at Shareen's.

"Yeah," Rose agreed and tried to remember which way they had come in. If she could retrace their steps she might be able to make it back to the TARDIS and safety.

Then, maybe, she'd go and find the Doctor, if he hadn't made his own way back by then.

She put the idea out of her mind and carried on distracting Mickey with small talk and reminiscences and hoped he didn't notice that she was still shivering from the after-effects of the electrocution and cradling her bruised wrist.

The Doctor tiptoed across the room and ducked beneath a conveniently placed barrel.

The Chief of Police was sitting in the small office to his left, the sonic screwdriver hanging idly from his belt. The Doctor hated to think what the condition of it would be like after being so near to that much slime for that long and he made a mental note to thoroughly clean it before putting it anywhere near the TARDIS controls … or his mouth.

He could reach it if he hid behind that door and sort of reached in.

But before he could move there was a large sucking sound and one of the guards squelched his way into the office, blocking the doorway with his huge wet frame.

"Chief," he panted, sounding like a blocked drain. "The prisoners have vanished."

"What?" roared the Chief and lurched to his feet, his gelatinous body undulating grossly. The Doctor decided then and there that jelly was off the menu for the next few years.

As the Chief wobbled by angrily to pursue whoever had let the prisoners escape the Doctor reached out, swiping the sonic screwdriver from the waist pouch.

It was slimy and disgusting and the Doctor made a face as he thought about using it in that condition.

"That's the trouble with some species," he muttered, "no consideration for other people's toys."

Now he had the sonic screwdriver back and it looked like Rose was doing a good job of saving herself, like he knew she would.

Like she knew she would.

He swallowed hard at the thought but tried to turn his attention back to his other task; the one that was important and would ensure that they were able to leave this hostile rock; finding the missing TARDIS piece.

Although this planet's inhabitants had never heard of a Usakiac Drive disruptor, he could make do with a few spare bits and pieces that any civilisation with advanced technology would keep around.

Thankfully the Chief had had the TARDIS brought into the compound so they didn't have to go far to find their way home. The Chief had mentioned something about a hanger?

A hanger where they kept vehicles and technology?

The Doctor beamed as he started for the basement. Sometimes, hostile alien species really were very helpful.

Rose could hear the fighting going on beneath her as the aliens tried to blame each other for the loss of their prisoners. Thankfully they were also oblivious about how she and Mickey had escaped. With their huge bodies and rigid ideas they hadn't been able to work out exactly how their prisoners had escaped the locked, guarded room.

She was counting herself lucky, especially as she heard the magic words.

"Blue box."

She paused in her careful creeping and Mickey almost rammed into the back of her.

"Rose?" he whispered.

"Shh." She leaned down with her ear to the floor and heard the muffled words.

"Instructed to place more guards in the lower hanger. The prisoners will make a try for the city where the device was left."

"Unknown that we have it."

There was a slurping sound which Rose figured was their version of evil laughter and they walked away.

She grinned. "You know, Mickey, sometimes even hostile aliens can be really helpful."

"What?"

"They've brought the TARDIS here. Locked in some hanger by the sounds of it."

"Locked?"

"Yup."

"Guarded?"

"Yeah."

"Guards with guns?"

"Probably, yeah."

Mickey paused. "Tell me how that's good."

"Its close by," she retorted, "and you won't have to get dressed up like a serving girl to get out of the city."

He thought about that for a moment. "Right, great news then."

"Lower hanger?" Rose frowned in concentration, trying to work out where that would be.

"Didn't see any planes when we were outside, there were those hover-car things but they wouldn't be on the roof," Mickey said doubtfully. "Besides a place like this would want to keep everything undercover, so I'm thinking cellar, right?"

Rose beamed at him approvingly. "Good call, Mick. We need to be heading down, then." She bit her lip. "I think there was an empty room a bit further up from the cell, saw it as they took us past. We could drop down there and try to aim for the cellar."

Mickey shrugged. "You're the escape expert."

Rose grinned at that and headed towards the direction of the empty room.

"Rose?" Mickey said after a few minutes.

"Yeah?"

"How comes you never told me that you and the Doctor always get in so much trouble?"

"What?" she replied distractedly.

"I mean, I know you and old Big Ears were always up to your neck in trouble, but I didn't realise how often. And this Doctor ain't exactly safety conscious, is he?"

"Found it," Rose ignored him, and picked up the corner of the nearest slat, peeling it away, as she looked down into the empty room.

Mickey just watched her drop into the room, wincing as she landed awkwardly and coaxed him to follow her.

His knees buckled as he dropped to the floor and he sprawled onto the ground like a drunk cat.

Rose rolled her eyes. "Graceful, Mickey, very graceful."

"Well, we weren't all gymnastic champions, yeah?"

Rose tiptoed to the door, peering out. "Okay, all clear. We have to make a run for it. Think you can manage, twinkle toes?"

He nodded, although dubious.

Rose stared at him and felt more than a little uncomfortable at the thought of leading Mickey into danger. He was a great bloke, any girl would be glad to have such a sweetheart for a boyfriend, but he wasn't exactly good in a crisis and, right now, Rose needed him to have a clear head and calm manner.

She sighed. "Look, just imagine we're in one of your games, yeah? Almost top score, one life left. Just gotta make it to the hanger."

Mickey brightened at the comparison. "Does that mean you're gonna get dressed up like Lara Croft?"

He wasn't quick enough to duck the slap as Rose responded to that the only way she could.

They managed to keep to the shadows and, although there were several moments of pure panic as Rose and Mickey had to literally hold their breath as the guards passed within inches of their hiding place, they managed to make it all the way down to the basement hanger. Thanks to Rose's year-long work-experience with the Doctor on how not to draw attention to herself, she was very pleased at being able to reach the hanger undetected.

It was there that their luck ran out. The TARDIS was there, but it was surrounded by guards. Guards with guns. Big guns.

Rose and Mickey darted behind a pillar and tried to stay out of sight.

The Doctor, meanwhile, had discovered to his delight that although they didn't possess a Usakiac disrupter drive, their hover crafts had several components that would do just as well, if not better, and possessed even more parts and spares that he had been looking for.

Thankful that his pockets were bigger on the inside as he went into a rapturous shopping/stealing spree, the Doctor finally made his way to the hanger where guards with rather large guns stood waiting for him.

He walked out, bold and brash, smiling widely at them.

"Hello!" he waved merrily.

Rose peered out as the Doctor strode into play. He had the wild, wide-eyed stare of someone without a care in the world, in perfect control of the situation.

"Bugger!" Rose swore under her breath.

"What?" Mickey demanded.

"He hasn't got a plan; he's making it up as he goes."

Mickey considered. "And that's different from usual, how?"

Rose had to let that one go. "It's not."

"So, what's the problem then?"

"We just have to be ready," Rose frowned. "And get ready to duck. The Doctor's plans have a tendency of exploding."

Mickey's eyes widened. "What, really?"

"Henriks?" Rose reminded him and Mickey sank down a little behind his pillar. "Downing street? There's a reason he carries a fire-extinguisher in his pocket, ya know."

"Right, just my luck, I get to travel through the universe with a psychopathic arsonist with bad dress sense. Least Big Ears had a leather jacket; that was kinda cool."

Rose shook her head and peeped around the pillar again, trying to work out what it was the Doctor was going to do. It had never worked before—he was nothing if not unpredictable— but there was always a first time.


	7. Chapter 7

Go on 7

"Hallo!" The Doctor gave the guards a little wave and beamed broadly. "'My, what big guns you have,' said Red Riding Hood to the … prison guard, I suppose. That's what you get for breaking and entering … or was that Sleeping Beauty? No, it was Goldilocks!" He shook his head. "Sorry, get those mixed up. Goldilocks was the larceny, breaking and entering and theft. Sleeping Beauty got a prick and fell asleep—" he trailed off, his brain catching up with his mouth and he wrinkled his nose. "You know, that story is just disgusting."

As Rose bit back a laugh and looked out she could see the guards developing what she called the 'Universal Doctor Look'; three parts confusion, one part irritation and all wondering exactly how they had lost control of the situation.

The gelatinous forms looked from the Doctor to each other and back again and the Doctor sighed heavily.

"So, where was I? Oh yes, you are guarding my TARDIS and doing a great job of it too, I might add. You know, I always wondered where you get good guards from. Is there a Guards 'R' Us? Maybe a Guard Emporium? Like a henchmen or minion factory. Hundreds of seemingly identical bodies just waiting to be slotted into cells and guarding positions, wonderful job opportunities with great benefits. Are there great benefits?"

One of the younger guards wobbled a bit and held up a tentacle, wondering if he was supposed to answer when the Doctor pointed to him. "Yes … err, what's your name?"

"Rigglesbyt Glandefrebb-Gresh," he said thickly. "I am newly appointed."

"Wonderful!" the Doctor beamed. "Is it a good job, is it?"

"Yes." Rigglesbyt nodded or least tried to, making a sucking sound like a blocked sewer. Rose gagged behind her pillar and wished the Doctor would hurry up.

The Doctor paused, like he had heard her and then quickly added. "And the benefits?"

Rigglesbyt glanced over to his fellow guards who were looking every bit as bemused as he felt. "We are allowed to shout."

"Always important!" the Doctor clapped. "Shouting! I love a good shout, shout for the universe, that's me. So shouting, good, yeah, what else? Do you get weekends off and union meetings, dinners and shiny uniforms?" He eyed their slimy mass. "Well, perhaps not the uniforms. The guns?"

Rigglesbyt nodded again, slime dripping down his neck. "Models of latest fashion."

"Brandybuck AK's are they?" The Doctor said with interest. "Triple enforced fusion power with sonic blaster dependant on ray-tech?"

Mickey goggled behind his pillar. "Blimey!"

Rose frowned. Why was the Doctor talking about guns? He never used them himself, said that he didn't believe in them. He must be trying to tell them something, which meant that he knew they were there. She listened closer, trying to think.

The guards had been as impressed as Mickey with his knowledge and were eager to show off skills that they rarely used or that the general public wouldn't appreciate.

It was hard to appreciate the elegant lines or explosive qualities of a gun when it was being aimed at you.

"Oh, I've seen them in the factories of Villenguard," the Doctor said modestly. "If I remember rightly, these models had so many special features. Digital pattern, digital rewind. I had a friend who swore by them. I know you're supposed to be guarding and all that but could you show me exactly what they can do?"

The guards beamed, pleased to be allowed to get to use their gun's special features.

Rose saw a problem with the plan as they pointed the guns at the very pillar she and Mickey were hiding behind.

She squeaked and frantically looked for other cover, but the Doctor held his hands up. "Uh, chaps? Probably best not to attack the support beams, don't want all the ceiling to come down on us, do we?"

The guards shifted sheepishly, the actions wet and sticky, and they turned to fire at the opposite wall.

A low whine that reminded Rose of something that she couldn't quite grasp echoed around the room and Mickey gasped.

"Hey, Rose, it just took a huge square out of the wall and then put it back!"

"Squareness gun," Rose whispered. "Digital rewind. Jack." Her voice softened.

"What, Captain Flash?" Mickey whispered back. "He had one of them things?"

The gun blasted again and shards of wood rained down nearby, long splinters landing close. Rose smiled at the potential weapons that had fallen into their laps and even Mickey grinned.

"Impressive," the Doctor said delightedly. "What about a disruptor field? I thought most sonic enhanced weapons held that?"

Rose bit down hard on her lip at his words. "Sonic blaster, sonic disruptor, factories of Villenguard now a banana field. What?" _What had the Doctor been telling her?_

A huge explosion erupted behind her.

"Marvellous!" The Doctor enthused. "Brilliant!"

"What is the meaning of this?" a voice hissed from the doorway and the Doctor spun to see the Chief standing in the doorway.

"Oh, hello, your boys were just showing me their _special features_."

Rose got it and rolled her eyes at how slow she had been on the uptake.

The Doctor rocked back on his heels and beamed at the Chief.

"So, Chief— never did get your name. What was it, by the way? Not that it matters, I won't be using it. Just curious, I do like to keep a tab on the names of fascist dictators, just in case. So hmm?"

The Chief glared at him and raised a slime-encrusted tentacle. "Kill him!"

The Doctor held up a hand. "Now, hang on! I mean, don't I get a trial? A wonderfully long trial with addendums and objections. I've always wanted one of them."

The Chief seemed to expand with fury. "Inform on opening superior technology!"

"What, this?" the Doctor pointed at the TARDIS and laughed. "You want to get in there? Well, why didn't you say so?"

That seemed to wrong-foot them.

"To get in there," he said happily. "You need this!"

He held up the sonic screwdriver and the Chief's eye widened.

The Doctor grinned. "Now if your boys could just stand aside, I'll open it for you."

The guards made to move but the Chief stopped them, watching the Doctor carefully. "Escape you could."

"Without my companions?" The Doctor shook his head and spoke louder as if he was trying to push something home, push it _**hard**_ to someone listening. "I would _never_ leave them. Not while there was breath in my body and a chance."

Behind the pillar, Rose stilled and looked at Mickey, a question in her eyes.

Okay, what was he on about now? He was always so confident that Rose would follow along; he was sure that she had faith in him, so what was he insinuating? Was there a message in his words? Maybe he was going to get into the TARDIS and dematerialise but he was telling her that he'd be back for them.

Was that his plan? Distract the guards by dematerialising the TARDIS?

Rose's heart sank at the thought of being left—again—by the Doctor. No matter how much he reassured her, there was still a part of her that didn't believe that he would be back.

Rose eyed the TARDIS and thought about watching her leave; thought about that gentle whoosh as she faded away, her blue walls vanishing from sight, like a mirage. Her stomach clenched and she actually felt sick.

She couldn't do it. She couldn't watch the Doctor go, even for a short while. If he was going anywhere then he was taking Rose and Mickey with him.

With a fierce burst of fear and anger, Rose knew that she was going to do everything in her power to stop the Chief and to get on board.

The Doctor had given her a clue and, like it or not, she was going to take her chances.

"See, my companion means the world to me. The universe. And while she—_they _are here, so am I. Incidentally," he said, his voice changing from fierce determination to casual indifference, "you might want to move slightly to your left or your tentacle will get caught in the door."

In a moment of weakness the Chief looked away and that was cue for Rose to leap into action.

She grabbed one of the shards of wood from the floor and brought it down sharply on the Chief's head. Mickey picked up another piece of wood and hurled it at the guards, who fired instinctively, and ducked.

"Make 'em shoot," Rose hissed to Mickey and she raced out from her hiding place, pausing long enough for them to aim before she dodged behind another pillar. The place where she was just standing was reduced to flames.

"No!" the Doctor shouted, his eyes wide as the guards opened fire on Mickey and Rose.

Rose peered out from the pillar to see Mickey do the same in the opposite direction. She grinned nastily as she jumped out from behind her barrier and pulled a face at the guards.

Rigglesbyt shivered in agitation and shot at her.

"Oi!" the Doctor yelled frantically but it was too late.

Rose had time to drop to the floor and execute a perfect forward roll across the hanger as the pillar behind her evaporated.

Another guard blasted at Mickey who was lucky enough to be standing by a barrel of something non-explosive which he dropped behind.

Rose grabbed a discarded wooden splinter and threw it at the guards again, making them aim wide, shooting through one of the support plinths. With a crack and a shudder the whole room trembled.

"Oh, well done!" The Doctor yelled. "The whole place is going to come down on us!"

He raced for the TARDIS and ducked between two of the wide-eyed guards who were no longer sure what to do as debris started to rain down on them.

The Doctor yanked his key out of his pocket and inserted it into the lock, turning it as he spun to find Rose and Mickey— and both his hearts stopped.

The Chief had Rose wrapped in his tentacles, one pointing a gun at her head.

The Doctor stared horrified as the Chief spat something green and disgusting out of his mouth before pinning the Doctor with an evil glare.

"We have your companion, and your time ship now open! Need you not," he snarled wetly.

The Doctor swallowed hard and stared at Rose, trying to comfort her with his eyes, to tell her with his expression that he wouldn't let this happen to her.

But she wasn't looking at him.

Instead she was looking over his shoulder into the TARDIS, her eyes fixed on the console. A tiny smile tripped her lips and she reached up to grab the tentacle that was wrapped around her chest, digging her nails into it.

The Chief growled and shook her. "Kill you, I will."

"Rose, stop!" the Doctor urged, scared that she would anger the Chief into killing her. "It'll be okay."

A lump of masonry fell to the floor and Rose's eyes darted to it. Unexpectedly her expression changed and she whimpered.

"But Doctor, how can it be okay? The whole place is going to fall in on us and he'll kill you and I can't fly the TARDIS when I'm scared, you know I can't! I don't want to be crushed."

The Chief looked down at her and then back up at the fragile structure. He aimed his gun at the damaged support and hit digital rewind. There was an odd whine which faded quickly and the support was, once again, whole.

"Fixed now, no crushing," the Chief soothed sardonically. "Fly it now?

"I could," Rose said, her voice suddenly strong. "But see, the thing is, Chief, I don't need to. I won't and you can't make me."

"Kill you, I will!" he repeated and tightened his grip on the gun.

"Go ahead," she taunted and the Doctor's eyes widened at the risk she was taking.

"Rose, no!"

"Why?" sputtered the Chief bewilderedly and Rose spun in his arms, giving him a vicious grin.

"Because those special features? Really drain the batteries."

She yanked away from him and he aimed at her. Rose spread her arms wide as he fired.

Nothing.

"See," Rose laughed. "Deader than dead." She spun on her heel to face Rigglesbyt. "Now you."

"No!" the Doctor all but yelled even as the young guard fired.

Before his tentacle had hit the trigger, however, Rose had ducked and the bolt went straight into the Chief, hitting him square in the chest.

He looked down at the smoking hole where his heart used to be and there was a moment of utter silence as each person in the room caught up with what had happened. And then, slowly, like a freeze-frame movie the Chief flopped backwards, his body making a sick splat as it hit the debris laden floor.

No one moved for a long minute and then the Doctor simply stepped out of the TARDIS and grabbed Rose's hand, dragging her back with him. Mickey staggered to his feet and followed them in.

The guards still hadn't moved as the doors slid shut.

There was silence inside the TARDIS.


	8. Chapter 8

Chapter 8

The Doctor stormed over to the console and flicked a few switches sending the TARDIS spinning into the vortex, his jaw tight and his back straight as he pulled his anger under control.

You could cut the tension with a knife and Mickey glanced concernedly at Rose but she was plucking at the edges of her jacket, ignoring them both.

The Doctor seethed silently for a few minutes and then spoke, his voice loud but calm in the still of the control room.

"Mickey, maybe you should go and shake some of that dust off you; get something to eat."

Mickey looked from him to Rose and back again. Neither said anything else and he cleared his throat.

"Yeah, probably a good idea." He took a step forward and then another, and another, all the while waiting for the explosion he could feel at his back.

Nothing. He made it all the way to the door before he felt comfortable enough to stop and look at the two of them again. The two of them who were carefully not looking at each other.

It was almost painful, the tension stretched so taut and so hard that Mickey wondered if it snapped would it take the whole universe with it.

Was this it? Was this finally the end of the Doctor and Rose, the universal constant?

He opened his mouth and the tension almost hummed.

Mickey changed his mind and left the two of them alone to face the damage and see if they could try to recapture anything of what they once had.

The control room was suddenly cold and full of waves of unsaid words, dancing along the time-lines and stretching, moving, coming together and separating, looking for ways to make it all okay and finding holes and pains that it couldn't quite fill and soothe.

A lever was flicked and the resulting click echoed around the TARDIS like a gun shot.

Rose didn't flinch as she ran a finger over the railing, saying nothing. She winced and pulled her aching wrist into a protective cradle, rubbing her fingers over the muscles and rotating slightly. It didn't feel broken, but probably could do with some support.

The Doctor glanced up, deliberately not looking at her as he glared at the undulating funnel that signalled where they were in the stream of the vortex. It was at normal speed and he dragged in another calming breath, the sound echoing in the silent confines.

He wasn't going to say anything and Rose was starting to feel more than a little uneasy.

She started to leave the console room, slowly heading for the door.

"How's the wrist?" His voice whipped out in the silence and she stopped in her tracks.

"'sokay, a bit sore," she replied, her own voice quiet.

"And the shakes?"

"Easing off." Rose sighed. "I'll be okay."

"Because you can take care of yourself," he said bitterly.

Rose held her head high. "Exactly."

He clenched his jaw and chanced a look at her from the corner of his eye. She was covered in dust and muck, some from her fight going in but mostly from her fight going out. Her hair was all over the place, blonde strands flying every which way and her clothes were torn.

She was tall, proud, and defiant and, gods, she looked beautiful.

He looked away again, battling the furious urge to scream at her, to walk over and shake her for being such a fool, for risking her life on a ridiculous …

Then he noticed a small smear of blood on one sleeve and he was in front of her before he even realised that he'd moved.

He lifted her arm and stared at the droplet of crimson liquid. His eyes rose to hers, asking and she followed his finger as it traced the stain.

"Resisting arrest," she said and pointed to the split lip that had escaped his notice.

"They hit you?" The coldness in his voice made her tremble and she knew that he had no problem in going back and destroying the planet for that one slight.

His darkness still had the capacity to scare her. No second chances and no chance to explain.

"If it makes you feel any better, that's one Fellit'gian who won't be having kids." She tried for a smile but it fell flatly for both of them.

He reached up but stopped his hand before he could touch her cheek, before he could cup her softness in his palm and convince himself that she was okay.

Rose stepped back. "Did you get the part you needed for the TARDIS?"

"Yeah, I—" He stopped, realising that she was trying to distract him. And once he was distracted they wouldn't mention it again. She'd internalise it and push it away and he'd just never remember, until the next time and by then it would be too late. It was a classic distraction technique that he used often. "You've learned too much from me."

And she had. Internalisation, repression and now deflection? What else had he taught her?

"I thought that was the point," Rose said softly. "Travel through space and time and grow up in the process. You make a good teacher."

His throat suddenly hurt and the back of his eyes burnt white hot at the thought of Rose becoming like him, the Oncoming Storm, willing to sacrifice others.

Rose, without her compassion.

"Don't," he croaked, spinning away from her quickly and slamming his hands down onto the console. Rose waited a beat and then gathered herself together.

"How 'bout I go make us some tea, yeah, and then shower this mess off me?" She grinned widely at him, the smile not even trying to reach for her eyes. "I feel like half the hangar is in my hair."

"And it wouldn't be if you hadn't made them shoot at you."

There. It was out in the open.

"You gave me the idea," Rose acknowledged, rubbing at her swollen wrist. "Special features drain the batteries, like Jack said. Once they can't threaten with useless weapons we're home free. It was just a case of making them fire."

"At you!" he spat. "Fire at you, Rose, that was … that was stupid. Beyond stupid. You had no idea when the batteries would drain—"

"The TARDIS told me," she interrupted softly. "She said he had one more blast and that was it."

"And Rigglesbyt?"

Rose was quiet, looking away.

"He shot at you, Rose. If you hadn't ducked." His throat tightened and then he pinned her with a glare of quiet intensity. "If you had been a little bit slower, it'd be you with a hole in your heart!"

_No change there, then, _she thought, her hands turning cold as she remembered the sickening thud of that wet body slamming into the floor. She'd done that. She'd made someone kill him.

Bile rose on her throat.

Did that make her a killer? Or an accessory?

"Did you even think about that?" His icy anger was masking a need so deep to take her into his arms, a fear so vibrant that it threatened to tear out his hearts and make them bleed in front of him. "You could have died, Rose. I would have gotten us out of there; there was no need for stupid heroics!"

_Would you? _She wanted to ask. _Would you have gotten us all out? Or would you have decided it was okay to leave us behind. Like you did Jack?_

"But you didn't share your plan with me," she challenged. "I had no idea what you were going to do, even with your cryptic words. Your plan seemed to involve you getting in the TARDIS and flying off leaving us with those armed guards and no leverage. An' with your time keeping skills who knew when you'd be back? The TARDIS had an idea and I took it. It worked, didn't it?"

"Just by blind luck!" he thundered, hurt at her lack of trust. Not only didn't she believe that he could have gotten them out of there, but she seemed to think he wouldn't have even tried. "I had a plan; all you had to do was listen!"

"Well, I'm just a stupid ape," she shot back, her guilt tripping her temper. "Can't expect much, right?"

He swallowed and looked away. He should never have said that. He had regretted it the instant it had left his lips and he'd even gone so far as to try to make it into an endearment but those two words, spoken in anger and disappointment, seemed to have stuck with her.

"You're not a stupid ape, Rose. I expect more than that from you."

"Then maybe you're wrong."

His head snapped up and his eyes pierced into hers. "I haven't been so far."

Rose shrugged one shoulder and massaged her aching wrist.

A small smile graced his features. "I once told you that you were the best."

"Yeah." She didn't return the smile. "I figured that was for Adam's benefit. I've not exactly lived up to it, have I?"

"Oh, I think you have."

"Reapers, end of the world?" She laughed ruefully.

"And I haven't made mistakes?" He met her eyes and almost shivered at how shuttered they were. Once he'd been able to read everything in that expression and now he couldn't even tell whether she was hearing him properly, but he had to take a chance. "You know, Rose, we never spoke about what happened."

"On Satellite Five?"

He blinked, not realising that she'd even been thinking of that as one of his mistakes. He'd obviously made more than he thought. "No, actually, I meant on the space station, the fireplace."

Rose stiffened. "No point."

"I think there is."

Rose took a deep breath. "We don't do post-match analysis, Doctor," she said shortly. "We never have. Once it's done it's done. That's the way it's always been."

"And maybe that needs to change?" he asked softly, watching her carefully.

Rose wandered towards the central console and lightly caressed the pulsing panels, seemingly gathering her thoughts. She was so quiet that he could hear the tiny hum of the TARDIS under the movements of her parts.

"You've been off ever since we left the station," he ventured uncomfortably, not used to talking about these kinds of things.

Rose gave a smile. "I'm all right."

He just barely managed to hold back a wince at that.

"But _we're_ not." He licked his lips. "I can feel it, Rose; you've been pulling away from me. We don't talk like we did and you seem to be avoiding me. We used to be able to tell each other anything but you didn't tell me that the TARDIS talks to you. Why is that, Rose?"

"No time?" Rose bit down on her lip as she looked everywhere but at the Doctor. "You regenerated and then we were all Sycorax, cat-nuns and body swapping, wolves and Krillitanes, robot droids and slime bugs. There's never really been a moment."

"We saw the end of the world, battled Slitheen and met Charles Dickens, survived a German air-raid and you had time to tell me what your favourite movies were and when you first realised that girls were different from boys." He grinned softly at the memory of that particular conversation. "Time's never a factor, Rose, not for a Time Lord."

Rose tucked her hands into her pockets and rocked back on her heels, knowing that they were dancing around the subject that he wanted to talk about so badly, but this time she wasn't going to help him.

"That was different."

"How?"

She shrugged one shoulder again. "Just was … you were different, I was different."

"It's not been that long, Rose."

His condescending voice grated; everything about this conversation grated. It was Satellite Five all over again. It was fine to stand and talk and analyse when he wanted to know something, or when he thought that there was something wrong. But when Rose needed to know something then he was zipped up tighter than a Slitheen.

"Maybe not in Time Lord terms," she retorted sharply, aiming to wound. "But we humans don't have as long, remember? We wither and die very quickly. It's a blink for you but a year for me. You know, like the one we missed?"

He felt that slap and held in the throb of pain as it hit its target. Something else he shouldn't have said.

"I've said I make mistakes, Rose. More than I—" he trailed off. "There's no point in me apologising for all the things I've done wrong since I met you, Rose."

"I didn't ask you to."

"No." He was suddenly very angry. "You walk away and stop talking to me, stop holding my hand and start acting like any second now I'm going to dump you on some asteroid and take off. You don't even trust that I'll try and save you. You assume I'm going to—to—swan off and leave you."

"Gee, I wonder what could have given me that idea?" Rose snapped and then rolled her eyes at herself for falling into his trap.

"This _is_ about the space station!" he was triumphant. "I knew it. You're jealous because I went to save Reinette."

"No, I'm not." Rose maintained calmly and he shook his head.

"Yes, you are!" he said, bitterly disappointed. "Jealousy. Humans and their rules. 'You can only love one person at a time.' 'You can only have one true love.' No wonder the human race is doomed, narrow minded race of … of … apes."

"And yet you spend most of your time around us." Rose stared him straight in the eye. "We'll get this straight now, Doctor. I'm not jealous; I'm not holding some deep seated resentment over Madame De Pompadour. I'm sorry that she died and that it hurt you. I'm not annoyed about the two of you, or anything like that. I don't care about that."

"Then this is about me leaving you and Mickey?" He shot back even as something inside felt a pang over her firm insistence on not caring. Why was he upset that she wasn't jealous?

"No." Rose shook her head. "Not really."

"And that's human for yes." He slammed his hands into the console, ignoring the squeal in his head as the TARDIS protested the action. "You don't understand, Rose. If I hadn't gone through and they'd have killed her then the whole of history would have been deleted and altered. Remember the Reapers, Rose?"

"Vividly." Her voice was cold. Icy.

"She was supposed to die later, after reforms and laws and appeals and many, many years. So many things had to happen and she couldn't just die. History needed her."

Rose folded her arms and gave him a scathing look. "Exactly who are you trying to convince?"

He did a double-take. "What?"

"History and time-lines align themselves, '_time's in constant flux, your cosy little world can be re-written like that'_—" Rose snapped her fingers "—you taught me that. Satellite Five? Hundred years of hell? The Fourth Great and Bountiful Human Empire?" Rose laughed bitterly. "History is always changing. If you're going to—" She took a deep breath. "You didn't do it for history, you did it for her. You charged through the mirror to save her. Lie to yourself but not to me."

His eyes grew hot as the truth of her words penetrated and he lashed out as much in anger over her being right as he was angry at himself. "You are just a human, you wouldn't understand."

He wanted to snatch the vicious words back as soon as they'd hit the air, twisting and turning as they grew nasty and hit hard, and he winced at how savage and pathetic he sounded, how mean and spiteful. He licked his lip and opened his mouth to apologise but Rose held up her hand, stopping the words.

Rose blinked back the tears, refusing to let him see her cry. She took a step backwards and then turned, halting as she reached the doorframe. Then she half-turned not looking at him.

"You're right. I couldn't possibly understand. I've never done anything like that. I've never given up everything to get to the person I loved when they were in trouble. I've never left my friends and family waiting, not sure if I'm even alive. I've never done something really reckless and stupid, not knowing if I'll survive just to be with them so they don't die alone. I've never sacrificed everything on the slim hope that I could help, that I could save them even if it meant dying myself. I've never been willing to die if it meant he lived." Tears slid down her face then, unchecked. "Then again, I'm just a stupid ape, what do I know?"

Agony swept through the Doctor as she spoke, his own words eating away at him as images inundated his consciousness.

Images of Rose glowing with gold light swamped his vision. Images of Rose destroying the Daleks to make him happy, to save him, coming back although it had meant her death. He closed his eyes at his utter stupidity and heartlessness.

"You're right, Doctor," she said sadly. "I couldn't possibly understand."

"Rose—" he croaked, spinning around but she was already gone.

He leaned on the console, his hands shaking and eyes burning with unshed tears.

Damn. Damn, hell and—

His hearts ached at the utter pain in Rose's voice. He was such an ass. Worse than an ass. He had just taken her sacrifice and made it into nothing. He had made her think that she didn't matter; that she was nothing.

Anger burned in his stomach at himself, twisting and clawing at his insides.

The Doctor slammed his hands down, relishing the slight pain. He'd wanted to make things right with Rose and all he'd succeeded in doing was making things worse.

How the hell was he supposed to fix this? Was there anything left to fix? How could he fix it when it seemed that every time he turned around more was broken and shattered than he even realised. He tilted his head back feeling the TARDIS admonishing him in the back of his head, he gritted his teeth.

"You're a fine one to talk; you could have told me that something was seriously wrong."

The Doctor knew that it wasn't right to blame the TARDIS, she wasn't, after all, infallible, but she could have at least given him a heads up. Or maybe it was all girls together.

"You could have at least mentioned that Rose not only doesn't trust me but doesn't even believe in me any more." He slumped to the floor, turning so his back was against the console. "How did it all go so wrong? I thought we were fine. After the regeneration it _was_ all fine, she was happy. We were happy. Was it meeting Sarah-Jane?" he asked the TARDIS. "I'd told her I'd travelled with others, but humans and their jealousies, always wanting to be 'the one'. To be special. Doesn't she realise that they're all special? She's special? Rose is my—" he sighed again and rested his head against the TARDIS. "Was it letting Mickey come along? But she was okay with Jack and I thought Mickey would be company." _And a buffer_. But he wasn't going there. "It was the space station. It had to be. Everything was different after that. But why?" he begged plaintively. "If she wasn't jealous of Reinette, and she understood why I left her and Mickey, then what?"

What?

Why was she distant? Why was she distrustful and awkward around him? And why did it hurt so badly? He'd lost the trust and friendship of other companions before- Tegan and Peri springing immediately to mind, but it had never affected him like this. Why was the loss of Rose's touch, the withdrawal of her affections affecting him so much? Why did he care that she was crying as she left and why did it hurt that she didn't trust him? No, more than hurt— burn.

"_I've never given up everything to get to the person I loved when they were in trouble."_

"_the person I loved."_

His breath caught. He knew she loved him—had loved him although he'd never heard it out loud, never needed it to be said. But now, her words seemed almost past tense. Had she withdrawn her love for him too? Pain, unlike anything he'd felt in this regeneration lanced through him at the thought of Rose leaving. What if she no longer loved him, too? How could he cope with that?

Suddenly he needed to hear the words.

Rose had taken a quick shower and then wandered along the TARDIS to the Mind Room where she'd ignored the comfy chair and laid down on the floor, staring up at the ceiling, just pretending that she was floating in space alone without any thoughts drifting through her mind.

The TARDIS didn't let her get away with that for very long, though. She turned the wall an odd mauve colour which was her way of asking Rose if she was okay.

Rose gave a sad smile. "Not really, girl."

Her bottom lip trembled as she thought back to the argument in the console room. "I'm not sure how much longer we can do this. How much longer_** I**_ can do this."

She rolled onto her side, facing away from the door, not noticing as a shadow appeared behind her.

"I'm so tired of this, of fighting with him. It's not what I wanted. Why is he pushing?" she demanded angrily. "He's never wanted to talk through this crap before. He's never gone over his actions. Once it's done it's over and he never mentions it again. Like his companions," she added bitterly. "Gone and forgotten."

The walls flashed an admonishing red and Rose sighed. "You're right, that's not fair. I'm sorry. I'm getting mean," she laughed sadly. "Maybe it's time to leave."

She sniffed, the sound masking a gasp from the door. "Time to go before I hate myself, or him, any more. But how do I go back to Earth after all this?"

She stared at the wall thinking of the beautiful nebulae that lay beyond, thinking of all the planets that she hadn't seen or visited.

"How can I have a normal life after seeing the universe? And you?" she added softly, stroking the floor. "You're more home to me than Earth ever was and I don't want to leave you. But I think he's done. He's going to ask me to leave, I can feel it." Rose started to cry. "I love you, I don't want to go." She swiped at her face. "God, I must be tired. I only get like this when I'm knackered."

Rose breathed out hard and licked at her lips. "You heard what we were talking about in the control room, yeah? He thinks I'm jealous of Madam Pompadour; because they had a thing. I think he was a bit shocked when I said I wasn't. He said I didn't understand. But I do."

She swallowed hard, pushing away the pain that had followed that statement. How dare he say that she didn't understand? She might not be a Time Lord, but she understood pain and loss and sacrifice and going back for the one you—

"I understand because I did the same—for him. I suppose I'm more hurt that he doesn't recognise that. He thinks I was upset because he went off with her and left me and Mickey alone on the station; just abandoned us like we didn't matter, like we were nothing."

Her words made her think of something else and her eyes shot open wide. "God, Mickey. I should really apologise and check on him." She glanced up at the ceiling. "Is he okay?"

The ceiling glowed a soft pink and Rose settled back again. "Thanks. I'll speak to him tomorrow. Where was I? Oh, yeah. The Doctor. He doesn't understand that his actions just drove home what I already knew. He's not my Doctor anymore."

Rose curled up tighter on the floor. "He keeps saying 'remember when we did this' or 'we did that' and I wanna yell at him that it wasn't him. _We _never battled Slitheen together, _we_ never met Charles Dickens. Me and him … he's not." Rose closed her eyes as she cried gently. "I remember he said that I gave up on him, I never did. He gave up on me.

Somewhere between the Daleks and the Sycorax he gave up on me."

The indignation in his eyes as he pointed at her, yelling that she had given up on him still managed to pull something inside. "He should've known me better!" She cried angrily, swiping at the wet tracks on her face.

"The other him did—had. He knew me, he loved me." Rose dragged in a deep breath and repeated adamantly. "He did love me. He would have let the Earth die for me. _I could save the world but lose you_, he said that. He needed me."

The TARDIS glowed golden in sympathy and understanding as Rose curled into a ball on the floor.

Rose smiled softly and reminisced to the listening TARDIS.

"We were everything to each other. It was in the way he smiled at me; every time he said my name I could feel it. It was like I was the most important thing in the universe to him. He just had to smile and I felt better. We ran through the universe and it wasn't scary because we were together."

She closed her eyes and behind her lids she could see him with his daft old face and battered leather jacket grinning down at her. Before she realised it she was crying again, the drops falling off her chin to land on the floor.

"'m so sorry, I don't cry. Not this much, 'm just … miss him – god, it hurts!"

Rose realised that half her words were lost in sobs and she slowed down, taking deep breaths, trying to explain to the softly cooing TARDIS why she was so upset.

"I tried to believe the new man was the same. I did try to see him as the same but … he wasn't. He stopped looking at me and wanting me and needing me. He stopped … loving me."

And that was what hurt most of all.

One second she had been precious to him and then, in one heartbeat he had been replaced by a stranger who didn't seem to see her anymore.

"I was never really the most important thing in his life."

She was still a while, thinking about it.

"His priority was always the world or the universe. He went after the cooling fans on Platform One before trying to save me from being fried. Even in the Blitz when I was hanging from a Barrage balloon, he wasn't there. But I always believed he'd come for me. Eventually. Like Mickey did today. The Doctor saves the innocent." She shook her head. "Now 'm not even an afterthought. He lost faith in me. Right after the Sycorax. He thinks that just because I stood up I didn't believe he'd come for me. So now he doesn't. I learned that from being locked in with the werewolf and from Sarah-Jane and Reinette. I have to save myself now. I can't rely on him because he won't be there anymore, because he doesn't care as much. Least not 'bout me."

Rose was silent a long moment and when she next spoke it was so quiet that even the TARDIS had to strain to hear her.

"But what if I was wrong? What if he's always felt this way and I was fooling myself. That's why it hurts 'n that's why I can't …"

She took a deep breath and poured out her heart. "This body of his has me thinking that I was imagining it all this time. I mean before he lied to me to send me away, even though Lynda got to help. He was always flirting with others; maybe I was just reading more into it. Maybe I was wrong."

She closed her eyes, fighting with her insecurities. "No. I need to believe that he loved me, at least once. Even if this one doesn't, I need to believe that he did. Because I do. I still do."

She rubbed the floor and looked tenderly at the walls.

"I've been trying to protect myself. I love him, but every time he looks through me it hurts. I can't keep giving him my heart to break. It doesn't work like that. Sooner or later I need to protect it for me. He hurts me so much and so often and expects it to always be alright; that I'll just get over it, get used to it. Like he said: 'It's a different morality—get used to it or go home.' Maybe it's time to go home."

She allowed the tears to fall down her cheeks again.

"I love him, but god, it _hurts_, and all I can think is I want him back—my Doctor. The one who loved me, the one who never let me down."

And with that Rose gave up any idea of composure and turned over, sobbing her heart out into the carpet.


	9. Chapter 9

Chapter 9

The Doctor stood outside the Mind Room listening to the sound of three hearts breaking and he could no more go and comfort her than he could resurrect his people.

He touched the wall, wishing desperately that he could go back and change things, that he could go back and stop them visiting Satellite Five in the first place, that he could cross his own time-line and … it was useless.

Rose's words made it all so clear.

She'd been in love with his previous regeneration and knew that he loved her. Then he'd changed and, for some reason, she thought that his feelings for her had changed. In his actions she'd seen something that made her think that he no longer cared for her, no longer loved her and so she was pulling away from him, trying to protect herself from further heartbreak. But she loved him, both hims, if what she said was true.

What the hell had he done?

He cast his mind back over the things that she'd mentioned. The werewolf? He'd not noticed that she was late for dinner with the Queen until rather late, but he'd found her in the dungeons eventually hadn't he?

"_Where the hell have you been?"_

What about Sarah-Jane?

"_I'm just the latest in a long line.__I thought you and me were... but I obviously got it wrong"_

No, she hadn't. She was more right than she knew.

"_You just leave us behind. Is that what you're going to do to me?"_

He'd said no. Not to her.

One day later.

24 hours.

"_He went off with her and left me and Mickey."_

_Oh, Rose._

There were words for a man like him.

Hypocrite.

Coward.

Idiot.

He leaned his forehead against the wall, listening to Rose as she cried harder.

_I'm sorry, so very sorry._

But it was too late, he'd heard her words. She wanted to leave, thought he wanted her to leave and was even starting to doubt that he'd ever loved her in the first place.

How could he mend something like that?

All he knew was that he couldn't stand to hear her cry any longer.

He pushed away from the wall and headed to the control room.

Rose woke slowly, gradually, and could tell from the way her face felt tight that she'd fallen asleep crying. She wasn't cramped and aching which meant that at least the TARDIS had cushioned her sleep so that she didn't feel as old as the Doctor.

At the thought, all of last night's wounds opened afresh and she felt like she was drowning in age old hurt.

It was harder to push the feelings aside now that she had allowed them free reign and Rose spent precious minutes trying to regain her composure.

She wasn't some snivelly little cry-baby. She was a shop-girl from London; the East End and she wasn't about to let some bloke break her, no matter how old or how unique he was.

Deep down he was like all men—untrustworthy and predisposed to hurt you.

Rose took a deep breath and pushed herself up, shooting the TARDIS walls a short smile to apologise should any drool have fallen onto the floor.

The TARDIS glowed the special gold colour she used when she wanted to show approval or welcome to her friend and Rose grinned, feeling lighter.

"Thanks for the shoulder, girl," she soothed and patted the wall. "Now, shower, Mickey, food. In that order."

Definitely that order, although her stomach protested being last on the list.

Her shower was long and hot and put her in a better mood than she'd been in some time. She dressed and went to see Mickey, things turning over in her mind from yesterday.

She found him in his room, flipping through a comic book that featured the adventures of Rookie the Raxacoricofallapatorian Rodent. She leaned against the door and just stared at him.

They'd been together for so long as friends and then as lovers and now friends again and she knew that she had always assumed he'd be there for her. And he had.

Mickey Smith was a great catch and any girl would be lucky to have him as her boyfriend; addiction to pickled foods notwithstanding.

He leaned back on the bed, his legs folded and cheeky grin very much in evidence as he laughed at the antics of the slimy rodent.

"Good book?" Rose said softly and he all but leaped off the bed.

"Geez, Rose! Give a bloke a heart attack!" He rubbed his chest and glared at her. "You get that from the Doctor, ya know, sneaking up on people." His brain caught up with his mouth as he remembered where he had left them last night. His eyes widened in concern. "Y'aright, babe?"

Rose grinned and sat on the edge of his bed, staring at him, committing his concerned face to memory. He really did love her, didn't he?

It was just a shame that she didn't love him in the same way. It would be so very easy if she did.

"Rose?" He recalled her attention back to him. "Seriously though, yeah, are you okay, you two didn't have a huge fight or anything did ya?"

She just looked at him for a long moment and then said what had been running through her mind since last night.

"I'm so sorry, Mickey."

Mickey blinked. "What? Have I gotta go?"

Rose laughed once and shook her head. "No. It's way past time I apologised to you for what I did."

Mickey shifted and put down the comic. "What are you on?"

"I gave you one kiss and said thanks for nothing and then I just left and it never really occurred to me how crappy that was. God, Mickey I was such a bitch."

"No word of a lie." But he smiled softly at her.

"Even at Christmas and back in Cardiff you told me what I'd done and I just," she licked her lip, thinking hard, "it just didn't sink in."

"Doesn't until it happens to you, does it?" Mickey knew what had prompted it better than she did and Rose grinned.

"Yeah. When he left us both on the station, I felt like nothing. Like I didn't matter. It wasn't until later that I realised that's how I'd made you feel. I'm about this big." She held her fingers centimetres apart. "I'm so sorry, Mickey. I never thought how selfish I was. You're not nothing, you've never been nothing and I'm sorry if even for a second I made you feel like you were. You've always been there for me, Mick."

He reached over and grabbed her hand before she could beat herself up any further.

"Not always, Rose. Couldn't be, I'm not some kind of hero like 'im or anything, yeah. But I do love you, babe."

"I know," she whispered, staring at their entwined fingers, his hand feeling so odd in her own. "An' I'm sorry for taking that for granted. You were a hero after Jimmy Stones."

"Yeah, but so was pretty much anyone." He laughed. "You can't 'alf pick 'em."

Rose laughed out loud, nodding at that. "Can't I just?! Didn't do too bad with you, though, did I?"

Mickey sniffed. "Well, I'm just too good."

"Although not above saying I told you so," she pointed out and Mickey grinned.

"Still got that "I was right" dance to show you."

Rose stuck her tongue between her teeth and shook her head. "Prat."

They smiled at each other.

"We all right, Mickey?"

"Always."

She reached over and wrapped him in a hug and he held tight, breathing in her scent and enjoying having her to himself just for a little while.

He opened his eyes and saw a pair of converse trainers standing in his doorway; he followed them up to the haunted eyes of the Doctor as he watched the two of them embracing.

As soon as the Doctor saw Mickey looking he plastered a huge grin on his face.

But Mickey wasn't fooled and pulled away from Rose.

"What's up, Doc?"

"Don't call him that." Rose wrinkled her nose as she turned on the bed to face him, taking a deep breath and pasting a smile that was every bit as fake as his. "All right, Doctor?"

He bit down on his lip and nodded slowly. "Didn't mean to interrupt." He looked between her and Mickey and Rose could almost feel the tension start to hum in the air.

Mickey slid off the bed. "Rose just popped in to make sure I was okay from all that running yesterday. I mean I thought I was fit but you got to be some kind of athlete to keep up with you two. Digging holes in mud and scaling walls, climbing ceilings and dodging bullets!" He shook his head. "This keeps up and I'm running the next London Marathon."

"Or watching it and eating chips," Rose teased.

"That too." Mickey beamed.

There was an uncomfortable silence and Mickey shifted his weight from one foot to another.

He'd never felt this kind of tension between Rose and the Doctor before, even when he regenerated there was a secret link between them, some kind of connection that excluded everyone else.

Now it felt like that connection was broken and there was a huge gaping hole in the universe where its heart should be. It was like a hollow football stadium or an empty cot; something missing that should be there and it was making him more and more uneasy.

"Well, I'm hungry."

The Doctor didn't answer Mickey straight away. He was too busy trying to push away the jealousy he felt in seeing Rose in Mickey's arms when his own felt so very, very empty.

He'd known when Rose had woken up as the TARDIS, maybe in recompense for her previous silence, had informed him and he'd taken the time to straighten himself up before going to find her.

The TARDIS had led him to Mickey's room and the sight that greeted him made his hands clench into fists as he wanted to tear his Rose away from the boy.

But he'd had to push it down, push it away. She wasn't his Rose and if he didn't do this carefully then she never would be again.

He cleared his throat. "Kitchen's that way Mickey-boy. Growing lad like you needs his breakfast."

"Tell him that!" Rose rolled her eyes. "I swear he could eat for England."

"For Earth," Mickey amended and gave Rose that cheeky look that had made her give the once-over the first time they'd met.

"Oh, I don't know," The Doctor added. "There was this bloke I had travelling with me for a time, Jamie McCrimmon, he was Scottish and boy, after Haggis, you know they eat anything. Everywhere we went he was always "Doctor, when are we gunna eaat?""

Mickey laughed out loud. "Nice accent, mate!"

"He doesn't like mine," Rose pouted wondering how much more of this aching politeness and forced joviality she could take.

The Doctor had the same time and looked away quickly.

Rose cleared her throat. "Right, food!"

"A-actually," The Doctor bit his lip. "Uh, could you go and reconfigure the calibrations of the …" he sagged. "The TARDIS wants to talk to you, in the console room. I'll bring you some breakfast."

Rose's eyes widened in part shock and part suspicion. "Okay."

Rose stood up to move past him and the Doctor closed his eyes as she edged past, his hand reaching out just that little too late to brush hers.

The Doctor followed Mickey quite quickly into the kitchen after that and stood watching him for just a moment, marvelling at how much he envied the young Earth boy right then.

Mickey happily discovered a veritable full English breakfast and was satisfied with that, whilst the Doctor had planets and death and love and heartache and devastation on his mind.

How he wished he could look at a sausage and not see potential for death. Although those particular sausages had been in the TARDIS for some time … maybe he should warn Mickey— but the boy bit into the quite _possibly_-meat with all the evidence of enjoyment and so the Doctor left it.

He cleared his throat. "Mickey, Mick-Mick, Mickey, my boy—"

"What'd'ya want?" he said without looking up. "You're trying to butter me up."

The Doctor paused at that. "I now have disturbing images of you as a corn on the cob."

Mickey froze, his mouth full of tomato and meat of dubious origin. He swallowed with some difficulty and pointed his knife at the Doctor. "If you even think about lickin' me, I'll have ya."

The Doctor wrinkled his nose in disgust and scratched his ear. "I'm sure there was a better way of saying that, Rickey."

"Ah, so we're done being polite then, yeah? Good. I was feelin' odd."

"That's because you are odd," the Doctor retorted.

Mickey gave him a pitying look. "This is how you ask for a favour? No wonder you ain't got very far."

Good point._ Scary_ point.

"Right!" the Doctor rubbed his hands together. "As it happens I do have a bit of a favour to ask you, Mickey. There is the teensiest, tiniest, miniscule possibility that you may have possibly noticed some kind of mini situation between me and Rose."

Mickey eyed him. "You mean the honking great tension? The enormous silences and thick atmosphere. The shifty looks and avoiding each other and not talking or holding hands and generally not acting smug and couple-y." A beat. "You mean that?"

"Yeah, that'd be it."

Mickey shook his head. "Didn't notice." He shovelled a fork of mushrooms into his mouth.

"R-ight, anyway." The Doctor sat opposite the grand canyon as it opened wider to devour fluffy mashed potatoes. "The thing is, me and Rose have had a bit of a argument or you know … massive thing of misunderstanding and what I want is to sort it out. Alone."

Mickey sniffed. "Is that a way of telling me and Rose to push off?"

"I meant alone with Rose," he clarified.

"Not really alone then, is it?"

"Mickey!" the Doctor all but shouted, exasperated with Mickey's sarcasm.

"All right, all right, keep your pants on. God, you and Rose are both such grouches first thing. Both of you just need to get laid."

The Doctor blinked, taken aback. "What?"

"Preferably with each other," Mickey carried on, addressing his breakfast.

"We don't do that," the Doctor said automatically.

"An' maybe that's the problem, yeah?" Mickey looked at him. "Cuz even to me, Rickey the idiot, it's clear you want to. Crystal. You ain't fooling no one, 'cept maybe yourself. I can see, man, I got your number. You think you don't deserve her, or you're too old—which you are—or some stupid rules which mean you won't do anything. You get mad because you want to, like old Big Ears. Him, he got grouchy and possessive. I thought he'd snap my neck every time I so much as looked at her. You," Mickey sighed. "You pretend you don't care. Swan off with Madam or Sarah-Jane and pretend that it don't matter cuz you and Rose ain't like that."

"We're not."

"And you never will be."

It was like a slap across the face, harder than anything Jackie Tyler had ever done.

Mickey grabbed some bread and sopped up his tomatoes. "The more you pretend it don't matter, the more Rose thinks that _she_ don't. But see, you still want her close, still want her to hold your hand and tell you you're great. Which," he added darkly, "you ain't."

"Thanks."

Mickey shrugged. "You're a prat and you're hurting Rose which makes you a stupid prat."

In all his 900 years he didn't think that he'd ever been called a stupid prat. It was somehow liberating as well as insulting.

"I don't do that with companions."

Mickey shovelled the last of his beans into his mouth and put his fork down before giving the Doctor a very serious look. "Then you've lost her and it's not fair to try to make it right for you when all you're gonna do is hurt her again. That'd make you a stupid, mean prat."

"Yeah." The Doctor thought about that as Mickey allowed his breakfast to digest. The boy had a point. He maintained that he didn't do relationships with his companions but he had always had very close friendships with them, some even thinking that he did do that kind of thing. He never did anything to dissuade them other than pretend to be oblivious to it. Except when it came to Rose he couldn't maintain that objective distance and had never been able to, even in his older, gruff regeneration.

But, like Mickey said, he had tried and that had been something of an unmitigated disaster which culminated in making her think that not only did he not love her but didn't even care.

Now because of his own stupidity he was going to lose the one thing he couldn't bear to.

Rassilon, what a mess.

He rubbed his jaw. "So what do I do?"

Mickey gaped at him. "You're asking me? Man, you stole my girlfriend and took off across the universe with 'er. Forget the 'I was right dance' I wanna do a 'hey, he screwed up' boogie. Cuz next to you I look good." He beamed and sat back with a smug smile.

The Doctor bristled. "Oi!"

Mickey placed his hands behind his head. "Just saying."

"Next asteroid, I swear!" The Doctor pouted. "Now, about that favour."

Rose sat in the console room listening to the TARDIS trill and sing at her and pretended that she was fooled into thinking that the reason she was here was for the reason the Doctor said and not because he was going to ask her to leave.

She could almost imagine the conversation now and it was clear that he had got Mickey out of the way to speak to her privately about it. _"Look, Rose," _he'd say,_ "it's just not working out, is it? Maybe it's time you—"_

Rose poked her tongue out at the doorway, pretending that he was there and she took in a deep breath, trying to calm herself down.

She had to remain composed and maintain some sort of dignity when he asked her to leave. She couldn't burst into tears and demand that he go screw himself. She couldn't slap him and beg that he change back.

She couldn't let him see how much it was hurting her; how much he was killing her.

She dragged in another breath and concentrated on feeling the flow of oxygen as it entered into her lungs and out again. She thought about the pumping of blood through her veins and how that would carry on; even a broken heart still beats and she would continue to live and breathe and fight and survive.

No matter how much it hurt.

She'd watch the stars from the surface of her planet like any normal person and she'd think about the life and the universe but, unlike the others who did the same, she'd know what was out there. She'd know what she'd be missing.

She'd seen the explosion that signalled life out there in the universe. She'd seen planets being born and cradled in a stellar nursery that ebbed and flowed in amazing technicolour as gases that were millennia older than her danced in space. She'd ridden a plasma storm and had her hair stand on end with the amazing kinetic energy that could run her planet for decades. She'd seen Empires rise and fall and she'd danced with Kings and dictators, she'd been imprisoned and chased and tortured and courted and caressed and impressed.

_Have a fantastic life, Rose. Do it for me._

Rose allowed her face to fall into her hands and she bit back the tears she swore she wasn't going to cry. Not when she was dumped on Earth, back at the Powell Estate. Not when she was down the job centre come Monday, not when her hair stank of chips and her clothes stained with oil. Not when she couldn't bear to fall in love again, not when … ever.

She was stronger than that. She'd survive.

"I'm done," she whispered fiercely.

"Good."

Her head shot up as the Doctor walked in, his hands tucked firmly into his pockets.

"Good?" she said blankly and he smiled softly.

"Good that you're done talking to the TARDIS," he clarified. "Uh, we have something to—"

"Yeah." Rose braced herself. "So say it."

"Not here." He drew in breath and puffed out his cheeks as he exhaled. "If you don't mind. I think we need somewhere a bit more … private."

Private? She wanted to scream at his procrastination. Exactly how long could it take for him to tell her to clear off? She thought he didn't do domestic or dramatic scenes. Why was he dragging this out?

Rose bit down hard on her lip and nodded. "Sure."

He beamed at her. "Fantastic."

Rose flinched and his face fell.

"Right. Sorry. I meant—brilliant." His whole body seemed to sag and his eyes lost that sparkle; that twinkle of life and became dead and hollow. Rose felt like she'd single-handedly killed him and a wave of anguish dropped through her.

Is that what they had come to? Words that stabbed when they didn't mean to and casual references fraught with meaning that had the ability to cut and slice and cause so much structural damage.

_I could save the world but lose you._

Is this what they were reduced to?

Suddenly all she wanted to do was hug him and make him all better and along with that came bitterness that he'd made her feel that way. Why was she the one having to reach out and pull him close? She couldn't handle another rejection, especially not when—

"Um, we're there." He gestured to the door, interrupting her thoughts and she nodded, sliding off the console and onto the floor.

He grabbed her coat off the rail and handed it to her with an indecipherable look. "You'll need it."

Then, like a gentleman, he opened the door to the TARDIS and Rose stepped out, into the unknown.


	10. Chapter 10

**TISSUE WARNING. **

**Chapter 10**

Only it wasn't so unknown.

The biting air hit her first, the cold winds swirling around her ankles and nipping at her fingers.

Despite it feeling like morning to Rose, the outside was dark, almost pitch black and a silver moon, full and bright, hung in the star-strewn sky; it's luminous orb so close she felt that she could reach out and touch it. The silver circle glinted and sparkled and the stars winked back, snug against the velvet blue background of night.

The sands that her boots sunk into were of the same silver, like glitter sprinkled across the floor winking and flickering in the light. Rose nudged the particles with her toe and they scattered like dust, caught by the breeze and caressed across the wind-swept plains.

Her eyes followed the dancing dust until it was just a blur against the sky, hidden amidst the other delights that were on offer.

She breathed the cold air, her body trembling at the frigid atmosphere as much as the silence that the whole place held, the utter quiet signalling that there was no one on the planet—no one but them.

She could feel the Doctor behind her and he laid a hand on the small of her back; a courtly gesture.

"Let's walk a bit."

Rose nodded and, without thinking, headed for down the hill, down the soft silver dunes towards the painful sound of nothing and the sight that made her heart ache.

She managed to keep her eyes averted until they reached the valley and then she could hold back no more, her gaze caught by the frozen sea, fifty foot high waves frozen in time and space. Just icy cliffs of water, held back by the fearsome powers of nature gone wrong. A planet plunged into an ice-age so fast that the crests hadn't had time to soften, that the fish hadn't had time to scream, the birds hadn't had time to stop. It would have been a planet of death, a continent of lament; but life finds a way.

Hidden in the sculpture of ice lay microscopic creatures starting to evolve, starting to live with the sub-zero temperatures and to develop ways of dealing with it. Down in the depths of those frozen waves were creatures beginning to live, starting to come to the surface after years, decades, millennia of being cast at the bottom.

Life finds a way.

They reached the waves and Rose touched the wall of ice, her heart remembering when the Doctor had brought her here—her Doctor.

She opened her mouth but no words could express either the beauty of the planet nor the cruelty of bringing her here.

This place was where the Doctor brought her after showing her death and chaos and destruction. This was where he took her hand and told her that he wanted her to stay with him. This was the place where he'd spoken, hesitatingly, about his people—not giving much away but telling her that he was alone and that he was glad she was with him. This was where she had first fallen in love with the Doctor for real; when he showed her beauty and life and a side of himself few had seen.

Now he was going to destroy the memory as well as what remained of her heart.

She hated him just a little bit for that.

The Doctor, for his part, watched her carefully as she was lost in thought.

He hoped she was remembering the time that he had brought her here before, when he had tried to make up for the death and destruction that he had showed her. When he had told her about himself and spoke to her of how glad he was that she was there; of how his people were gone and all he had left was her.

This was where he had wanted to share himself, this was the place where he'd admitted his love, at least to himself.

Now he had to admit it to her and this place seemed appropriate.

He swallowed and wondered why, with the gift of the gab, this was so hard for him.

"Rose."

She closed her eyes and wrapped her arms around herself.

"There's a reason I brought you here and it ties into what we said last night. I'm sorry for that, by the way. I was a … a stupid prat."

Rose let out a bark of unwilling laughter. "You've been hanging around with Mickey."

He sniffed. "Well, he does make sense sometimes."

Rose simply nodded.

He scratched his ear nervously. "I heard you," he blurted.

Rose frowned. "What?"

"I heard you," he said again clearly. "Talking to the TARDIS the other day. I wasn't intending to eavesdrop—which is a marvel for me, really. You know how nosy I am, in this regeneration anyway. I think I've been nosy in all of them, actually, but this one—" off her pointed look he cleared his throat, "—right. Sorry. Thing is, I heard you. _My Doctor, the TARDIS' Doctor_."

"Oh."

She said nothing else and he turned to her, reaching down for one hand.

"Rose. When I regenerated every cell in my body died. I died. When I regenerate my feelings do change. In one body I had a thing for celery, in another it was jelly-beans. I've had a mortal dread of burnt toast and train stations. I've played the flute and worn opera capes and scarves and straw hats and played cricket—although not at the same time. Each time I'm a little different but the fundamentals don't change. I'm still the Doctor."

"I know that."

"But you don't understand," he stressed and then rolled his eyes. "And I don't mean that in a stupid ape kind of way. I mean that in a … god, I'm not doing a good job of this am I?"

Despite herself Rose wanted to grin at that.

"I'm the same. I may do things in a different way but that doesn't mean that I'm not the same man. The previous regeneration wouldn't have challenged the Sycorax to a sword fight but I'd still have saved the Earth. My priorities don't change, Rose. My feelings sometimes do, I won't deny that. Can't stand celery now."

She gave another involuntary laugh and stared out somewhere over his shoulder.

He smiled a little at her laugh and held her hand tighter. "But some things they don't. Things that I feel deeply about don't change, in fact they often get stronger. Too strong."

"I don't know what you're saying," she confessed.

He sighed in frustration. "You've separated us into two people in your head, Rose. One of me you lo—trust and respect and believe in." He held back pain. "The other you don't. Something I've done has made you stop believing in me, Rose. I've wracked my brains but I can't think what it was and for a Time Lord…" he trailed off. "It wasn't Reinette because this started before that. I need to know what it was and how to put it right because we can't do this, be like this any more. It's hurting you … and me."

Rose's eyes snapped to his at that confession and she could see tears swimming at the back of his eyes. Tears like she had seen when he'd spoken to her after meeting Sarah-Jane again. Tears that she never expected to see the Doctor shed and it crumpled her defences like paper. She didn't want to tell him, didn't want to let him in but he'd always held the power over her and she was helpless.

"I can mend planets and save the universe. But how do I fix this, Rose? What do I do?"

One tear slid down his cheek and Rose came undone.

"You stopped!" she sniffed, trying to look away. "After Christmas you held out your hand and I took it and we went far and did things and we were okay. It was all fine. Then after New Earth and Cassandra kissed you in my body, it was like you were in full reverse in case I wanted to talk about it or do something about it. You acted like I'd got the plague … no, you hugged those who had the plague. Me you just … ignored."

"I never!"

"You did!" she argued. "Before we landed in Scotland you wouldn't come near me, every time I moved close to you practically leaped away, keeping the console between me and you. You refused to look at me when you took my hand. I got the message then and there that you weren't interested; hell I'd seen it before and that was fine." She took a deep breath.

He gripped her hands and urged her to look at him. "But it wasn't because I didn't care, Rose, I swear."

Rose shook her head. "You couldn't get back to Earth fast enough when Mickey called and I didn't know why, until you showed me what I was."

His throat couldn't make the sound.

"Dinner lady," she said sadly. "After everything you still see me as dishing out chips to brats. That's all I'm worth to you. You big Time Lord; me human with no A levels and no future except what you let me have."

"That's—that's not true!" his voice was thick and Rose licked her lips.

"Yeah, it is. That's the bitch. You may be a superior species but that doesn't make you better than me. You seem to think of me like … like … some sort of pet."

"No."

"Timorous beastie? Wild child bought for sixpence?"

"I was joking."

Rose shook her head. "He introduced me as his plus one, told everyone that we went nowhere without each other. I was more than his friend, I was his partner. You? You didn't even trust me with the bloody sonic screwdriver! You don't see me, see what I can do. What? You think that if you dump me back home now then all I've got to look forward to is the job centre? Fast food restaurant? Retail? After everything I've … you know why I hated Reinette so much? It wasn't because you loved her, I accepted that you and me weren't... It's because you saw in her all the things you used to see in me. It hurt when you dumped me and Mickey, yeah, but it hurt worse because you made me feel like nothing. An' maybe I can't compare to that, to—to—" she searched for the words he had used, "—the most accomplished woman in history." She straightened her shoulders. "But I shouldn't have to, I'm me and maybe that's not enough for you."

"No. No. No."

"Yes." She maintained. "You know where I went when I asked to go back to Earth?"

He shook his head, afraid of the answer.

"I went to see Sarah-Jane. Because I knew that one day you'd leave me and I wasn't sure how I'd go on. Because I didn't want to be like Sarah-Jane and have it sprung on me. I wanted to be prepared."

"I told you that you could stay with me." He reminded adamantly. "I said that when we met her. You can spend the rest of your life with me."

"On the slow path?" She mocked painfully and he fell silent. "You didn't give me the choice. You didn't respect me and Mickey enough to say 'hey I'm riding off on a white horse to save the day, see you in a few thousand years'. We got nothing. Because, to you that's what we were."

"No. Stop saying that!" He grabbed her shoulders and shook her. "I never meant to make you feel like that, Rose. Never and you are not nothing. No companion has ever … I've never …" he struggled with words and feelings and emotions that he had never showed, that he had never dared show. "After everything we've done, Rose, how could you think that?"

"After everything you've done, how could I not?"

"You think I don't care about you?"

"I know you don't," she said, trying to stop herself crying. "In a million little ways you've let me know that you don't. I'm okay with that because I _have_ separated the two of you. Past and present. I've had to because by saying you're the same person you're saying that he didn't care and I won't let you do that."

"I do care, Rose." He croaked, close to tears himself.

"You don't act like it. In every look he said he loved me. Half the time you look like you don't even know me, like you're trying to find some way of getting rid of me. You know we've been back to Earth more times in a few months together than me and him did in a year? Every time I think: this is it, he's gonna swan off and leave me."

He shook his head. "I said I wanted you with me. "_I'd love you to come_," remember?"

"Would you tell me if you changed your mind?" Rose challenged. "Or would you just push me away, talk crap non-stop? You erect barriers like you're redoing the M1. You want to keep me at arms length but you get mad when I do the same."

He swallowed and looked away.

"After Jimmy Stones I promised myself that I'd never let any bloke make me feel like nothing. I promised that I'd protect myself. That's all I've been doing. I thought that's what you wanted, not getting too close, remembering my place."

"Your place is with me," he said fiercely, stepping forward. "It has been since I took you hand in the basement and yes, that was me. It's always been me, Rose. It's always been me and I feel the same about you now as I did then, only stronger. I've felt you pulling away, Rose and no, it's not what I wanted."

She glared up at him, pain in her eyes but fierce confrontation in her expression. "It felt like it. Why do you get to protect yourself and I have to hurt? You said you feel the same about me as he did? He showed it. You don't. Why? What did I do to make you stop? I never pushed you. I never tried to make you give more than you were willing to give. Why did you stop?"

"I didn't stop, I just hid it better." _Too well._

"Why? Did you think I was gonna domesticate you?" she spat. "It wasn't even me who kissed you, it was Cassandra."

"I know."

"Then why?"

"Because—" He raked a hand through his hair and stepped away, fighting the words, fighting the feelings.

"Why?"

"Because you didn't need me anymore, that's bloody why!" He looked shocked, like he couldn't believe the words coming out of his own mouth.

Rose stared at him for a moment, her brow creased and he looked away, unable to see the pity he expected to in her face.

"What?" Rose frowned. "What are you talking about?"

The Doctor bit down on his lip. This regeneration was not just talkative but downright loquacious when it came to confusing enemies, spouting trivia, to anything inconsequential really.

But when it came to feelings he just couldn't do it. He couldn't put into words what he meant, what he felt. He hated this emotional crap. But, as he looked at Rose's tear-streaked face, he knew it'd be worth it. It had to be.

"My last regeneration may have needed you, Rose. But you needed me, too."

She stiffened. "I saved _your_ life, remember?"

"I didn't mean like that. The girl who needed to be rescued from her life of drudgery back on Earth; the girl who needed to be shown the stars, the girl who needed a father figure or just someone who could show her what she could be."

Rose felt sick. "You were never a father figure."

"I know that, Rose. I meant metaphorically." He sighed. "But you did need me. Then the Games Station happened and Satellite Five. I didn't remember everything that happened there, not really. It was all bits and pieces, flying around along with memories of who I used to be—all of them. I didn't remember properly. Not until after that kiss by Cassandra. Sometimes the regeneration comes with slight amnesia." He smiled ruefully. "Or dementia, occasionally psychosis. It takes something powerful to retrigger the memories and the kiss was it."

"I don't understand—"

"You did it, Rose," he said hoarsely. "You saved us all. Saved me. You looked into the heart of the TARDIS and the TARDIS looked into you and you bonded, bonded in a way that only Time Lords are supposed to. You had the whole of time and space inside you and you used it to end the Time War—for me. You destroyed all of the Daleks, including the Emperor. For me. You became the Bad Wolf."

"Bad Wolf," she whispered the words that had followed them everywhere.

"It was killing you so I took it away with a kiss. It's what made me regenerate."

"I killed you." Her mouth fell open in horror. Rose looked like her world had been devastated and he took a step forward only to have her stumble back, her hand held up as if to ward him off.

He stopped, hurt clogging his throat. "Rose?"

It was like she'd been shot. Her chest hurt and all the air had gone from the world.

"I killed you."

"You saved me." He swallowed hard. "You saved the universe. Rose Tyler; defender of the universe and, for that one moment, everything. You were everything. You've never really needed saving, but at that point you could do anything. Since then, Rose you've no longer needed me; not just physically saving your life, but … mentally and emotionally. You can do it all yourself. You're wrong, Rose. So very wrong. I do see all you can be. You're … incredible." He looked at her like she was the most precious thing in the universe. "Nothing compares to what you did. No companion has ever done so much for me. You killed all my enemies and came back, for me. I couldn't save you," he choked, "you saved me. Again."

"But I still needed you," she said, tears in her eyes. "The Sycorax—"

"Surface work." He shrugged. "You were shaken but you still stood up. In a million ways you've shown me how you've grown, Rose. It was you who stalled the Sycorax. It was you who got me into the TARDIS; the one place that could help. It was you who stopped those pirates on Spirren 8. It was you who escaped the werewolf, getting everyone out of the chains. It was you who stood up to the clockwork droids." He had paced away from her, but now he stormed over and grabbed her hand. "Rose, you're not nothing. Could never be nothing. Truth of it is, we're too equal and …" he swallowed. "I've never had someone who felt as deeply, who cared as much or who was willing to do so much for me. Rescue me, yes. Destroy the universe, rip apart the fabric of time and destroy my enemies, just because she wanted me safe?" He shook his head in amazed disbelief.

"You sent me away to be safe," she said. "How is what I did any different?"

"Because you're a human," he answered honestly. "Most of your species would have agreed with the self-sacrificing alien and gone home. Eaten chips."

"You taught me better." She raised her chin.

"I did." His eyes caressed her face. "I taught you to be like me and I'm sorry for that."

"I'm not." Rose took a deep breath. "You've spent so long thinking you're the high and mighty Time Lord who's above everyone else and where has it got you? Lonely. Lonely angel, lonely warrior, lonely god. It's bollocks. You push people away when they get too close; like you did me. You don't have to be lonely. It's a choice." She pointed to him angrily. "It's your choice and you don't get to bitch about it."

He was so surprised at her attack that it took a moment for her words to penetrate and when they did, he couldn't stop the laugh that bubbled to his lips.

"You do realise that you're the only person who'd ever call me on this. Most companions go along with what I say … or leave. And that's exactly it, Rose, people do wither and die. If I let them close then they leave—it does hurt, Rose."

"So's better not to feel at all?" She challenged him. "I would do it again, you know. Even now. Even with your magic pushing act. I'd still die if it meant you got to live." She put her hands on her hips. "How's that? I'd die for someone who's afraid to get too close to me." She shrugged. "Maybe I don't have as much to offer as the Madame, but—"

"You know why she appealed to me?" he said quickly, cutting her off and tried to rush on, ignoring the flinch of pain as it crossed her face.

She shook her head.

"I wanted someone who said they did, but who couldn't possibly understand me, who couldn't get as close as you were. She saw inside my head but she didn't see it all." He gave her a small smile. "She would have run screaming if she had. But she thought she knew me and it was enough for her. She wouldn't try to look deeper and would take what she needed without trying to get anything back."

Rose just stared at him and he could hear her calling him all the names under the sun in her head.

He nodded, agreeing with half of them. "Sometimes, even a Time Lord likes to feel needed. You don't need me to take care of you, you take care of me."

Rose glared at him, anger wiping away the last of her tears. "So what now? You take me home because you think I can live without you and you need to find someone who can't?"

Boiled down to its simplest form.

That was why he loved humans so much. They could take something endless complicated, fathomless and analyse it and dissect it until it came to one simple truth.

Rose had just done it. She had taken generations of angst and pain and guilt and Time Lord conditioning and commitment issues and insecurities and reduced it to such beautiful simplicity.

"_You think I can live without you and you need to find someone who can't."_

Fantastic.

And kind of ridiculous.

For the first time he took a step back and looked, really scrutinised his fears and realised exactly how small they seemed, how insignificant, how stupid, how … how … ape-like.

He rejected getting close to humans because they weren't his equal and couldn't possibly understand him, and he was terrified to get close to this one human because she could.

He stared down at her wet face and saw, not the young human shop-girl, but the goddess who had known all of time and space and who had, for one moment, known him in his entirety and still loved him. He saw glowing gold light and a song that still had the ability to soothe his hearts.

He saw Rose.

She cocked a brow and sniffed. "Well?"

He shook his head, triumph in his eyes. "Oh, I'm not letting you go, Rose. Not now, not ever. You may not need me, but I still need you. I—" _love you, adore you, desire you "—need_ you, Rose. I'll stop pushing you away, if you stop pulling away."

She looked up searching his eyes; eyes that changed in colour and warmth but never in age or feeling. His eyes. The Doctor's eyes.

Eyes that were pleading with her with feelings and emotions that he just couldn't say.

His hand reached up to touch her face, cradling her cheeks. "Just because I can't say something, doesn't mean I don't—I still couldn't chose between the world and you."

Rose nodded, tears spilling down her cheeks, unchecked and when he held his arms open she didn't hesitate flew into them, wrapping her arms around him like she'd never let go.

"I'm sorry I hurt you," he whispered into her hair.

"Leave me again and I won't wait." She vowed as she shuddered against him.

The Doctor breathed in her scent and felt his hearts beat louder against his chest, thudding harder and harder until he was sure she could hear them.

This was it. This was right. This was home.

"My Rose." He could no more stop the words than he could halt the universe and he felt her still slightly and prayed to every deity that he'd never believed in that he hadn't just ruined it all.

Rose looked up at him, looked at those scared eyes, so afraid that she'd pull away. They reminded her of two blue orbs that had held her enraptured after her father died and offered her anything, anything all as long as she'd stay with him. They reminded her of a sadness that existed when she'd turned him down the first time, Mickey clinging to her legs. They reminded her of ones that searched her form to make sure she was okay time and time again. They reminded her of a pain deeper than she'd ever know as the last Dalek exploded into stardust. They reminded her of love and affection and belonging.

It was the same man.

Different package, same insecurities.

"My Doctor."

He laughed through his tears. "Yes."

Rose pulled away sniffing loudly. She gave a short laugh. "Look at us, right soppy pair."

"Almost domestic." He grimaced, prompting another wet laugh from her. He reached over and brushed away a tear. "Woman wept is not an order, Rose."

She licked at her lips and pushed at her straggly hair. "Okay. So what now?"

"Now we go home. Back to the TARDIS," he clarified. "Is that all right?"

"Sort of, yeah." She found herself saying and his grin lit up the side of the sheer ice face.

He held out his hand and waited.

Rose looked down at the fingers that she had ignored of late, fingers that had felt too different to touch and her heart made up her mind.

She took the hand and tightened her grip. "No pushing."

He yanked her in so that she fit all along one side of him, her body warm against his. "No pulling."

She nodded and hand in hand, they headed back to the TARDIS. Back home.

The Doctor felt lighter than he'd done in months and he could feel the reason why next to him in all her glory.

They still had some things to work through; still had a lot to say, but at least it wouldn't be done with tears and recriminations. Now she could accept that he was the same man and that he loved her still, that he thought she was magnificent. Now she'd accept that he cared and he could stop pushing her away, safe in the knowledge that she not only understood how he felt, but understood him.

They had a way to go but as long as they went on together they'd be fine.

She was still human, she'd still die. He was still a Time Lord and he'd still outlive and outlast her. But while he held her so very dear in his heart there'd always be a piece of her, a spark of Rose Tyler; the Bad Wolf; the saviour of the last Time Lord. There'd always be a piece of her, wrapped in his hearts, etched on a wall of ice, branded in the memory of everyone he spoke to about her. There'd always be a part of her that would go on.

For all eternity.

And he was content with that.


End file.
